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• Distinguishing between empathy and dismissal or minimization of others' feelings |
• How denying or minimizing others' perceptions can erode their internal world and lead to self-doubt and anxiety |
• The concept of "Swiss cheese" - a feeling of constant uncertainty and potential for failure |
• The development of skills such as respect through trial and error, re-learning, and acknowledging past mistakes |
• Difficulty changing and growing due to past experiences and trauma |
• The importance of practicing empathy and compassion for oneself |
• Recognizing personal limits and the need for self-care |
• Understanding that pushing beyond one's limits can lead to emotional debt or fatigue |
• Using analogies, such as shifting gears in a vehicle, to illustrate the need for self-compassion and adaptation when facing challenges |
• The interconnectedness of all parts of oneself, requiring adjustment and reallocation when one aspect changes |
• Practicing self-compassion and empathy requires acknowledging when one's commitments are depleting their energy |
• Feedback mechanisms can indicate when one needs to change, such as physical signs like illness or emotional responses like irritability |
• Indicators of off-kilter relationships include changes in communication, arguing, and proximity to others |
• Self-awareness is necessary for recognizing areas that require improvement, including performance at work and overall well-being |
• Depression and anxiety can manifest as cognitive rigidity, excessive guilt, and feelings of learned helplessness |
• Manufacturing hostility and guilt due to unmet expectations |
• Creating clarity around expectations and boundaries |
• The importance of clear communication and setting realistic goals |
• Managing guilt and responsibility in open-source projects |
• John Gottman's research on the four horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling |
• Cooperating and extending grace to others despite struggles |
• The four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling |
• Contempt as the worst of the four horsemen due to its root in disrespect and devaluing others or oneself |
• Mean-spirited sarcasm and rolling one's eyes as forms of contempt |
• Self-awareness and inner critic as important for recognizing and changing behavior |
• Stonewalling as a way to withdraw from conflicts, with Gottman's research showing 85% of the time it's the male partner in heterosexual couples who stonewalls |
• The importance of setting limits and having safe ground in relationships to avoid over-whelm and promote healthy communication |
**Adam Stacoviak:** When I think about healthy relationships out there, whether they're deeply intimate, like husband and wife, or partners, or spouses, or even with children, grandparents, whatever - immediate family - they are very much different than, say, communities, where you don't really connect directly, but yo... |
And then respect is always this sort of outlier that just hangs out there, and it's just so hard to really dig into relationships without these three being very much aware from the person's perspective and how they participate in community. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah, I think you're spot on. These three work as a system, in that at the heart of being human I have to have respect around other people, because there's no other person that is identical to me. So without understanding and having an idea of another that is separate from me, that might n... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** So not only do I sort of hold an awareness of another person's emotional experience, but an ability to come alongside them and be present with them in a way in which I would also experience some of that emotion that they too feel. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right, to play an active role in maybe even alleviating their troubles. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yes. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right...? Because empathy is seeing their point of view and understanding from their point of view. Compassion is one step further, which is seeing that, feeling that, being there with them, but then also wanting to change that for them, and playing a role in that; kind of partnering them even. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[03:54\] Yeah, and I think that's the other piece of compassion - it cues something in us to want to do something for that person to alleviate the suffering that they're encountering. In my world I see this often in the experience of people grieving... Because grieving is an incredibly pa... |
So nobody else is going to have that same relationship with that other person, but people are very quick to offer input around what people "should" be doing. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I love that, "should." "You should be doing this..." I can almost hear the contempt - which we'll probably talk about - in someone's voice, saying something like that to someone else... Because when you lack the empathy and compassion, I kind of can assume that contempt comes in there instead. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. Well, it presumes an awareness of another without that actual foundation. I might offer, what if we practiced being more inquisitive of someone's experience, as opposed to leading my response with a statement over what they coulda/woulda/shoulda done. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** How would that change an interaction? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It's kind of like "Listen first, speak second..." |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, it's interesting; I think it actually prompts the other person to be more reflective, right? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** The other person meaning the person who has the troubles, and the person who's being contemptful? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right, right. So if you brought a problem to me and said "Hey, Mireille, I'm struggling with X, Y or Z", and I was like "Well, here's what you should do." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** That may or may not be helpful. Whereas if I said "Huh. What's that like?" To some degree, it's -- and I don't mean it in an insulting or derogatory manner, but rather like "Tell me what goes through your mind? What are you thinking on? When does that occur?" I don't know your world, your ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. It's sort of the back-story, the context... And without context, we often don't make great decisions or can't give great advice, because we don't really understand what they've been through, why they've been through it, or why they think they've been through it, how they've already tried to re... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right, but think about how respect is really leading the charge... Because respect, if we're talking about it through that perspective that says "This regard for the feelings, wishes, thoughts, rights or traditions of another person", that's sort of my step one of going "You're not me, and... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[08:04\] Which makes sense... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. Imagine I'm just switching which way my lens is focused, so I put it back on me to try to understand you, which it may not fit you... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. "Well, here's what I would have done... Here's how I would have thought about that" or "Here's what I would have said..." And then for some reason we're blabbermouths and we say that out loud... And sometimes we don't even mean to, really... Because it's just like a natural response to wanna ... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. It's interesting, with working with people over the years, I tend to tell them, "I don't know what you should do. But I want to walk with you to help you discover what you think would be best." So if I sit here -- like, really, it actually comes from a place of superiority. I always ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. You are, of course. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah, right?! So I wanna collaborate and work together so that we can help you be your best self, and figure out what you're going to do in living your life. I always say, "My ultimate goal is to work myself out of a job, that you would be able to do for you what I help you do for you." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** What I like about what you said there too is that if that person felt alone, they now are not alone. Even if you can't tell them what to do, they have someone else to bounce their crazy (or perceived crazy) off of. I'm like that; I tell my wife "Am I crazy? Here's what I'm thinking..." and sometimes... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[laughs\] |
**Adam Stacoviak:** And sometimes she's like "No, not really... I understand where you're coming from with that... But have you considered this, this or this?" And she partners with me and walks with me through the concern or issue. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. But see how then you've already stepped into that next thing, which looks like empathy? Does she say "Well, you shouldn't feel that way." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** No, I can't recall her ever saying... Sometimes, because she's a distinct helper, and she wants to solve my problems right away, because she wants to remove my pain. It's not that she wants to disrespect me and have lack of empathy, so sometimes yes, but I wouldn't say very often. She often asks que... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right, because she's trying to make sense of and have a respect for the fact that you're not her. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** And empathy looks like "I want to understand further how you arrived in putting those things together, because I wouldn't put those together... But help me understand you." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
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