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MSP_POD_NLP

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... can you please... thank you for returning my cats ashes along with a candle and a single white flower. that was a nice-
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... touch. however, i do have some questions about the poetry.
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Female
can you please talk me through the four poems you gave me, three of them apparently written by my dead cat. two of them addressing me as mum.
A
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Female
dear pet crematorium guy, i am no one's mum.
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but i do not recall ever giving birth to a cat. i've racked my brains, but i think i would remember.
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dear pet crematorium guy, i never knew my cat could speak english.
U
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i'd have called her nicer things than munchkin bastard face and fuzz butt.
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dear pet crematorium guy, i have run poetry workshops.
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if i'd known it was a budding poet sleeping next to my pillow every night-
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i'd have given her some advice in amongst the chin scratches.
A
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dear pet crematorium guy, why was she holding out on me this whole time?
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dear pet crematorium guy, are you sure this is from her? only i think her scansion would be better.
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dear pet crematorium guy, it hurts that she chose to communicate from beyond the grave.
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why is my dead cat writing to tell me to be strong?
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she knows i'm strong. i can open all the doors and tins-
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... she could only claw at. dear-
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... pet crematorium guy, you do not know me. you do not know my cat.
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all you know about her is her name and that she was a cat.
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all you know about me is my name. and that i used to have a cat.
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dear pet crematorium guy, you probably mean well, but you are out of your depth.
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dear pet crematorium guy, you just brought a clinton's card to a knife fight-
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... fight if you'd known me all my cat, you would know she was fierce.
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i remain fierce and the soft underbelly of our bond was something earned over time.
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not everyone gets to pet it's perfect fur.
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some bastards will get slashed for trying.
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our bond was built in close swearing, grudging mutual respect and time. she was a crabby traumatized old lady.
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i was a young idiot who didn't know what i'd taken on across four years, four homes and 14 different housemates. she unfurled in my care.
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i grew up in hers. we curled up asleep against each other against the world every night.
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dear pet crematorium guy-
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... thank you for the suggestion but i do not need to look for my cat in the first ray of sunshine or in the smile on a baby.
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dear pet crematorium guy-
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... you are not a spirit medium. dear pet crematorium guy-
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... i paid you to burn my cat's remains not do a ventriloquist routine with her memory.
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dear pet crematorium guy, my gorgeous monster, isn't here to vomit anymore-
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... but i may do it for her.
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[inaudible 00:02:13]. rihanna.yeah.that was not as warm a reception for rihanna as i expect-
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now i want to make it clear before i start doing this, that this is not parody-
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... and this song, now i need to, first of all, i got to find it so slick, so slick today, right? found it. okay.
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[inaudible 00:02:35].few people know what platform game is but quite a few people did-
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i thought this was a universal reference, but it isn't. so i discovered-
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... so yeah, a platform game is a computer game where you have a little character that jumps up around on platforms.
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for example, a super mario or sonic, the hedgehog.
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do people have a favorite platform game character? anybody got one?
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alex the kid.alex the kid? that's a good one, that's a good one. anybody else?
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no? a very unplatform board game playing crowd. good job-
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... i'm singing a song about one, right? so what i want you to do now is i want you to, even if you don't have a favorite platform game character-
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... so yeah, sonic's obviously better, but mario is pretty cool too. anyway-
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... i would say this is a song about the last ever platform game character.
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when you see me, i will no longer be me. i will be that platform game character that you don't want to die.
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[inaudible 00:03:34] performer but i didn't want to repeat it, but now i've done that. well, my style, my hosting style is awkward. if you hadn't guessed, sometimes it takes people a while to get used-
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... when people build me up. so i love to build people up. he's really great he-
H
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oh you're smiling. funny old world. oh, did you go snorkeling?no i didn't.
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-right about it. you'd go sharp mate, your bungle.
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it was the same. anybody read vonnegut?yeah.he's good ain't he? i discovered vonnegut on holiday because the next day she was-
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... and she read the exact passage where he says exactly the same thing as that. you know, that bit where he says that the core of every human being is a little ball of light.
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vonnegut, dead. and meaning he wrote in '79, but i didn't know that.
O
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so me and vonnegut are like that now.
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great guy. have you all read cat's cradle? who's read sirens of titan? bloody hell, good isn't it just finished it.
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... that's all right. one more thing i was going to say about holidays.
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you'd learn a lot, don't you? what's the best thing you learned in cambodia?
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i don't come out of trees. they're built into the trees, they're built into the trees.
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[inaudible 00:04:58]sad isn't it? sad.
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it's all right to have a sad ending isn't it?
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we love this, we love this. you learn a lot about yourself. you learn a lot about your priorities-
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i am actually going away also at the end of july, just make sure she's all right. check in.
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so i really ought to, i mean, i went around the world for the other one.
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we got tonight, our tragic beginnings-
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... of standup tragedy. this is the acts you will be waiting-
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you can make friends with the tragedy on facebook-
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... if you'd like, or you can just like our page, but we prefer you to make friends with the tragedy and-
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... if any of you would like to look at the table on your way out-
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... there is some merch that i'm desperately trying to sell because i don't have a job. so i'm really, really desperate for money. so there you go.
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yes, the blog, yes, and also if you'd like to share your tragedy with us-
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... we publish a written tragedy on our-
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... blog. so go over to our website, www.standuptragedy.co.uk. and you can find out how to submit to our blog there or speak to-
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... the lovely stories. absolutely, that's of course, what plugging is all about? isn't it?
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we have on our website, right? this is the third act of standup tragedy.
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it's going to be three performers doing some tragic sex.
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she's a writer and true storyteller. she's done stories regularly with spark london.
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you can find out about spark london on your tables. and she's also performed with the american storytelling show risk. put your-
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... celia sing.
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i just wondered if anyone wanted to hear a story about how i almost joined a clitoris cult?
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it was basically just... there was about 40 people in a room and about 20 of them were from the organization. and about 20 of them were sort of members of the public like us. and it was a whole lot of, kind of getting to know you games-
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... talking to you where i don't know what it was about.
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... what they were doing but you kind of came away feeling like i'd given up all this personal information and kind of talked about quite sort of personal things.
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i'm not really sure how this works. so we thought that because we'd really enjoy this night-
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... we might go to another one of these nights, but we wouldn't probably go to one of their workshops and go and see the demonstration or anything like that.
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at least that was what my plan was. but the next day-
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... i got this phone call from a woman from the organization. and somehow during the course of the conversation-
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... i signed up and paid over a hundred pounds to go to this full day workshop where i would see this-
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... demonstrated technique and potentially try it out for myself-
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... that kind of thing. but i was actually really, really looking forward to this. and this is probably where it's quite important for me to have a say why-
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... we were very compatible in lots of different ways-
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... and he'd gone off to burning man and then came, well after burning man, sent me an email-
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... telling me all about this really, really amazing woman he met. and it was about-
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... that kind of, i guess, one of the things that was really in my head was that i wasn't, and that i wasn't good enough-
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... i guess. and so i was kind of, i suppose, looking for something in my life at the time that was like that i could become someone other than who i was really.
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it was actually something that i wanted. so i signed up for this full day workshop and i'd been waking up very, very early in the mornings and having those anxiety attacks-
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... but [inaudible 00:08:51] if anyone else has ever had those, where you feel like you...everything that-
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... really, really tiny things are suddenly the most incredibly stressful thing in the world. like, "oh my god-
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