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MSP_POD_NLP

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and he was like an inbred guy for musical braid with cross eyes he goes, "hey, pardon me-
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so you're a chocolate man." hey? are you a protestant or are you a catholic?
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and i said, "well, jason, because i was still english-
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i think i'm a sikh. and jason goes-
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it's a place in glasgow will you please spot the white man.
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there was hardly any white people there so maybe probably [inaudible 00:08:39]. and it's like i've seen that planet-
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of the apes so jar jar bangs those [inaudible 00:08:44]. i mean, everybody's in [inaudible 00:08:45] in fact those days-
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they were going to rename it pakistan. it was not good or bad, but i went to school and school was fantastic because it was an eclectic mix of people at school.
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there was white people and it was good immigration in those days you know? not like the immigration today, but what we used to have was gang fights.
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you know we used to have gang fights and the gang fights the chinese would get together-
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the asians would get together and the two afro-caribbean would get together there in the school. and gang warfare was brilliant because when we were fighting-
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it was like a scene out of power rangers. everyone did the moves, but there was no physical contact.
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you hear spiderman hits the floor.
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but anyway. so i had a great experience when i was growing up in [inaudible 00:09:33] because-
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it gave me the opportunity to sort of mix in with the crowd.
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my mom, in order for me to get an identity sent me to the best place in glasgow.
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the glasgow art center. does anybody know the glasgow art center?
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the glasgow art center was a fantastic place of just asian arts, chinese arts.
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fantastic. and we learnt bhangra. now does anybody know what bhangra music is? bhangra music is the best-
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... indian folk music. it's a very gay dance. it's one of these dances that when we started doing bhangra.
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we didn't want to do it because it was extremely gay, but we carried on doing it. and tonight-
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how many fucking restaurants do you work in?
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so our last performer of today is she's doing-
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... a devil's doorbell at [inaudible 00:00:39] at the mash house at five o'clock.
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thank you. nobody does try to do better than me.
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so i used to be rather ignorant and when they talk about things like collateral damage-
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... then i realized, collateral damage is the baby found suckling on its dead mother.
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and that baby happened to be my father.
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on the 18th of january of last year, i was hanging out with my friends, chilling out, having a great old time. and then my father had to ruin it for me by dying.
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so i got to his funeral in kenya, [inaudible 00:01:20]. i get to his funeral in-
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... kenya. someone said something about the funeral that got me onto the path that i find myself in today.
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so consider this. the year is 1885.
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berlin. a few aristocratic men are gathered around the table discussing the burning issues of the day.
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no, not european women's voting rights or the prevalence of gout amongst the privileged.
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thank you. never.
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i'm your host. now what we do at stand up tragedy, is we invite-
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and my, like dave was saying, my show that i brought to edinborough this year is it's called-
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it's at an inner city secondary school, a quite interesting education. and it's kind of tying in with the theme, of tragedy-
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our current education secretary, nicky morgan, has this rhetoric that she trips out quite a lot about the idea of gts-
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she says that if you are 15 years old and you choose to study an arts and humanities.
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... and i think that, without wanting to be melodramatic about it, to say that sort of thing to a 14 year old who just-
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... because she likes music is really mean and really cruel.
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and so i wrote a poem about it and it's called held back by nikki morgan.
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don't tell the 14 year old with a form to fill in. if you love what you do, there was ever any reason.
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so i'm going to just do one more piece. i forgot that when dave asked me to do this gig, i promised to bring my whole band along.
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and i just remembered now, and luckily scott, who is my guitarist, did have his guitar. so we're going to do a stripped back version of one of the pieces from the show.
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yeah. some of them do. and that's why we chip away-
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and that's always good. so our next performer is-
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... doing leopard [inaudible 00:03:36]. thanks for-
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... that at 4:45 at the globe-
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i saw it the other day and it was a really, really funny-
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right. good. this is a good way of introducing people, right?
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in the arms of margaret thatcher [inaudible 00:03:56]. it was the most powerfully unerotic site i had ever-
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... show could ollie and susie's new year's shindig and that's on at 4:30 at the south sider from the 9th to the 29th of august. she's really good. she's a comedian-
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yes. wow. our next performer is also arriving on... this is like an exciting, exciting night where everyone is like arriving just before their set, which is-
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and i just wave my arms around a bit.
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i can't see your hands at all.
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who here's got sibling? who here's had to share a room with the bastard?
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cool. masking tape marks the boundary.
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yellowed cream on brown carpet. i decorated it with felt tips.
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this line drawers the battle lines.
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this line you will not cross. this line-
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... i will defend with fists and feet, claws and teeth.
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the rest of the room, demilitarized, legos strewn, is larger still.
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i've left you all that. i'm being the reasonable one. and if you step over my line, i will kill-
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... you. when we fight.
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i want. if i was strong enough-
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... i would tear out hair and scalp, bit out chunks of flesh. i would hobble you.
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if i was strong enough, you'd finally see i am one to be feared.
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but my only thought every time is frustration.
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i am plastic safety scissors when i want to be a sword.
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i am a plastic safety scissors when i want to be a sword.
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i am plastic safety scissors when i want to be a sword.
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i need to be, i need to be, i need to be a sword.
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if i were loud enough, i would shout you-
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... down. tantrum tick or tv. if you talked over me, i would shriek sonic boom until you whimpered and ran out.
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i wouldn't care about their disapproval. the i am the normal one, the i should know better.
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i would yell and hit and get away with it like you do.
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it's only fair. anyway.
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if i were powerful enough, i would have high walls built of solid granite.
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nothing less than the system of space age air locks and medieval drawbridges to decide who can come in and who is kept out.
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i decorated it with felt tip badly.
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this line draws the battle lines.
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this line you will not cross. this line-
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.. i will bend with fists and feet, claws and teeth.
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the cat's allowed in. i like her.
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anyway, she's a girl. no boys allowed.
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so i'm doing a show all about permission and how and why and where we ask for permission.
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whether we feel confident and entitled, or like we don't deserve-
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but i do that every day. so at 6:45 at pilgrim.
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so full standup tragedy, i may as well start with a sad thing. my cat died in june.
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and because i'm a 20 something and i don't have my own place-
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... i had to pay someone over a hundred quid to burn my dead cat because i don't have a garden to put her in myself.
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and then this happened.
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the good news is that there is an afterlife and pets get there too.
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the bad news is that in the afterlife, there is really mawkish poetry.
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dear pet crematorium guy-
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