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MSP_POD_NLP

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but the woman in the yellow bikini. and in my hands was a copy of that day's evening standards.
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there's a crowd gathered at the waterfront.
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there to witness the unveiling of the latest beach body.
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the latest beached body.
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a mass of people, not large group, but vigil. this beach is-
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lit with flickering candles, not littered with sunblock and sandals.
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they're are no wet bodies for happy mums to towel off. just body bags for border enforcement agents to zip up.
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beach bodies is a town... is a term now more frequently referring to funerals,
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but the lives lost are still reduced to numerals, to statistics, to election tactics, and cost benefit analysis.
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they don't have to contend with the visual impact a beach body has.
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'cause you can't draw chalk outlines on sand.
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i really mean that, i think trust is really important.
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i don't think we have the trust that maybe we used to have in society.
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maybe we're naive. we were naive or-
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you know, that's not what this-
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they were my audience in the last show. so i'm going to... that's okay.
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go to the paid show. it's going to be about my nan dying of cancer.
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when i, when i visited my nan-
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in hospital, when she was dying of cancer.
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why i do things. what i do.
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trust is a big factor in that, if i trust someone i'm prepared to do a lot of things.
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and that was when i realized that-
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my nan was one of the only people i'd ever broken the trust of.
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i organized a party when-
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she was supposed to be looking after me and i told her i was going out and i had a party around my parent's house.
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the next day, she came back and she didn't even know the police had been there or someone had tried to set fire to the loft.
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or that a really popular vase of my mum's had been broken.
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or that anarchy had been written on all of my mom's bottles of red wine.
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when you're talking to your nan in hospital.
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and my nan knew she was dying
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and she decided she was going to make it to christmas.
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she was going to make it to christmas no matter what, she was really ill and she was going to make it to christmas.
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she asked everyone what they wanted for christmas and she spent all her money making sure they got those things. and i asked for a glass shop chess set.
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not knowing that it'd be the final gift from my nan.
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and it's fucking awful.
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it's not wear and tear.
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no, i absolutely fucking love it. and it's shit.
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and you can't get drunk playing the game.
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because if you've played shot glass chess, you know you only start when you're already drunk.
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these aren't big enough to sustain the alcoholic foam.
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so you end up drinking a game of shot chess and ending up sober.
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that is a tragedy.
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now my nan, never used to say-
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i love you. that was not her thing. she never said.
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god, i love you. what she used to do is give you sweets. you go around-
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the house, oh have some sweets. i don't want any sweets. it's love eat it.
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thanks nan. i don't like those sweets. you will.
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thanks for the love, nan.
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and so that's what i'd like to do today. i'd like to give you all sweets.
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now i wish-
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i wish that i'd had one more day with my nan, i wish i'd had that opportunity-
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but i didn't. so can i have someone up on stage.
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so i can have that one last morning. that one last sunrise.
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even when he got an orange poncho.
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that will save time.
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some please, that's in the audience.
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that's not in the show.
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if you could all imagine very emotional music.
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this is going to be great on the podcast.
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thanks a lot [inaudible 00:02:15].
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and so we deserve, as i'm sure you regular listeners will agree.
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put your hands together for brydie lee-kennedy.
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and i felt... so i knew that he was going to-
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response at all. i do think that it's-
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partly because a lot of people don't think that butterfly is a real stroke, which is fair.
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it is probably the least efficient way of moving through water, short of actually drowning, but they do give you medals for it.
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but basically what i'm saying is i felt pretty confident about swimming in a calm, shallow lake in the middle of the french countryside.
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so after a couple of days of going down and just sort paddling, i decided to go for a real, proper swim.
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so i ducked under the barrier that kept the kids' area in, in the shallow part of the lake. and i took off and i swam through the murky water and all of the muscles that i hadn't used the whole time i'd lived in london-
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an alarm went off.
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and the alarm sounded like this.
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it means one thing. shark, everyone out of the water.
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so i looked up and i was like, checking around to see if there's a telltale fin anywhere. and then i realized that i was in a man-made like hundreds of miles inland, and if there were sharks in the water-
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it was the result of gross human error at best, and at worst-
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attempted murder by the council. so i looked around to see what else could be causing the commotion.
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there was nothing going on in the kids' area, and there was no one behind me.
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and i could see the lifeguard onshore, down from his tower of apathy, just like gesturing like this.
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and that's what i realized-
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i was why he'd set off the alarm.
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because actually that roped off bit wasn't just for kids.
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it was the only part of the lake that anyone was supposed to swim in. presumably because the lifeguard could not be bothered monitoring the rest of the lake.
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he was certainly not making any attempts to come in and rescue me from my mortal peril.
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just humiliated and even more embarrassed when i realized that all the locals were yelling and i thought, god.
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they are yelling at me. this is terrible. i could never come back to this lake.
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and then i realized that they weren't yelling at me.
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totally got the revolution thing. because it does sound cooler in french. so i headed back to my towel, dried off, took out my phone to write a triumphant facebook status-
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because why else do we do anything? and when i opened the app-
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a photo of my ex fiance and his new girlfriend.
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and they was standing in front of a sold sign on a terraced house in sydney.
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in my favorite part of sydney, the part where he and i had lived together.
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so i already knew they owned property.
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and actually he and i weren't even facebook friends by this point. but 64 of our mutual friends had liked it.
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previous, i was in the middle of four months of solo travel around the world.
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i've never read eat, pray, love, but i'm told that it was nothing like that.
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all i wanted to do is have a shower, just sort of wash it all off. and i headed into the shower room.
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now as i said, i'd been in iceland for a few days. so i was aware of the fact that a lot of showers in iceland-
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are communal. there's just a room and there's a few different heads around you-
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and as i was showering, four tall, seemingly identical swedish men entered cheerily said "hello"-
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and they continued to chat to each other in swedish, pausing only when one of them asked to borrow my shampoo.
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so i handed it to him. wordlessly wondering if i had in fact fallen off the horse and died over the course of the afternoon.
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