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... can i have a biscuit? fuck off and grow up. (laughing).
A
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892
Male
but i went to this music festival-
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892
Male
... the last music festival i went to, because of the acts that were on. people-
N
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892
Male
... i really liked. the headliner was stevie wonder. i don't need to justify that to you. stevie wonder, absolute legend-
X
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Male
... of course. but, before stevie wonder, was an act that i really wanted to see, a band called sigur ros.
H
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892
Male
do any of you know sigur ros? few of you. okay, yeah. if you don't just watch any bbc one nature documentary and it'll be that. (laughing).
H
5.4
5
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892
Male
sigur ros are actually quite a hard band to describe. they're sort of-
N
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Male
... alternative rock with the sounds of icelandic wailing over the top. i mean singing, i don't mean get the harpoon.
X
5
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5
892
Male
no, no, no. that'd be horrible and i wouldn't listen to that. it's not soothing. (laughing).
U
6
3.8
5.8
892
Male
it's beautiful wailing and singing over the top and-
N
5
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5.2
892
Male
... i love it because it reminds me of iceland. i don't know if any of you have been, but it's an incredible place-
H
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4.8
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892
Male
... iceland. they do so many things right there.
N
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892
Male
there's volcanic sands and glaciers and volcanoes. everything there feels a bit magical and other worldly.
H
5.333333
5.222222
5.444444
892
Male
the way they live their lives is remarkable-
U
5.181818
5.181818
4.818182
892
Male
... they do so many clever things. all their energy comes from underneath the volcano-
H
5.090909
4.818182
5.272727
892
Male
... so it's environmentally friendly. it's renewable, it's efficient.
H
4.8
5.2
5.8
892
Male
it means the entire island smells like sulfur-y farts. as a result-
H
6.2
4.6
6
892
Male
... there's no blame culture at all. it's impossible. (laughing). you can't have one, it's brilliant.
X
5.666667
4.583333
5.25
892
Male
they're so good as people. there was a thing that i really liked about iceland that i realized wasn't a real thing-
H
6.090909
5.909091
5.727273
892
Male
... recently. i was watching a documentary on eyjaf-
H
5.4
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892
Male
... jallajoekull, the volcano that exploded a couple of years ago. you might remember, it caused a big ash cloud.
O
5
4
5.4
892
Male
this documentary is hosted by kate humble-
N
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892
Male
... who you have to fucking like. she's called kate humble, that's amazing. she was interviewing an icelandic volcanologist-
H
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892
Male
... lots of volcanoes and his job, volcanologist, deals with volcanoes.
X
6
4.545455
5.636364
892
Male
he had the unfortunate vocal inflection where he pronounced the word ash as ass. (laughing). incredible, right? so she said to him, "what happened when the volcano exploded?" and he said-
H
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892
Male
... "oh, there was ass everywhere". (laughing).
H
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Male
"my house was completely covered in ass. my children had ass in their hair."
H
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892
Male
but it was sadly just him and not the whole island.
S
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892
Male
it's an amazing place.
N
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892
Male
in iceland, there's only 320,000 people, that's it. in a country that's bigger than england-
N
3.6
3.4
3.8
892
Male
... wales combined, there's only 320,000 people. that is why people there are happy because.
H
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Male
(laughing). sigur ros can make this beautiful, sweeping noise because there's no one around to go, "shut up, i'm trying to watch the tele".
H
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892
Male
(laughing). jonsi, the lead singer of sigur ros, plays his guitar with a violin bow like that.
H
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4.8
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892
Male
he can do that because there's no one around to go, "what are you doing?"
X
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4
5
892
Male
sigur ross' music reminds me of some kind of space and other worldliness and i feel calm when i hear it.
H
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892
Male
i'd got everything planned at this festival to see them-
N
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Male
... i was going to enjoy this, make sure it wasn't ruined. i'd been to the loo-
X
4.8
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4.2
892
Male
... i had a raclette, which is a wheel of cheese. holy shit-
U
5.8
3.8
5.8
892
Male
... it's like chocolate buttons. where's the jacket? (laughing).
H
7
5
6.6
892
Male
i was with my girlfriend and my friend and i'd found somewhere to stand and watch and i could see things, which is rare for someone of my height and-
X
5.6
4.4
5.6
892
Male
... i had this sudden realization that the only thing that could fuck this up now-
U
5.4
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5.2
892
Male
... other people might get in the way, or they might talk through it-
A
5.833333
3.5
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892
Male
... or they might make noise, or they might ruin it somehow and i didn't want that to happen.
S
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4
892
Male
i spoke to the guy that was next to me and he was a student. he traveled all the way there by himself just to see sigur ros.
N
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Male
i said, "okay, well you really want to see them. they're your favorite band"-
N
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Male
... "how about we make a little pact right now that while they're on, we're both going to shut the fuck up and not ruin it for each other?" and he went-
A
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Male
... so we agreed. i had one person on my side. then there were three guys behind me and luckily-
F
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5.4
892
Male
they liked it, so i had a little bit of power. so i said, "glad you liked it."-
H
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892
Male
i managed to get about 15, 16 of us, this little huddled group, that had all promised not to ruin it for each other.
X
5.363636
4.818182
5.272727
892
Male
we wanted to, and nobody ruined it for each other and jonsi started-
A
5.8
3
5.6
892
Male
... playing his guitar with a violin bow and nobody called him a dick. it was incredible.
U
5.3
5
5.1
892
Male
(laughing). about four or five songs in, this man decides to barge passed us and he's a big, big guy-
X
6
4.8
5.8
892
Male
... he's got a bandana, a handlebar mustache, a sleeveless top, and he's big. he looks like a sort of henchman from any eighties action film-
H
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892
Male
... that's ever happened. (laughing). one of the guys who would do a swear, that isn't really a swear like-
H
5.75
5.166667
5.5
892
Male
... "hey you, mother kisser", is that bad? i don't know.
N
6
4
6.2
892
Male
(laughing). he pushed passed us, all elbows and we were so angry. but we realized the flaw in our plan-
H
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4.6
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892
Male
... we couldn't have a go at him because then we'd break her own pact so-
A
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892
Male
... (laughing) we just stared at him and went, oh-
X
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4.166667
5
892
Male
(laughing). then he pushed passed us, ruining it-
H
5
4.8
4.8
892
Male
... we were so upset. then he walked behind a man that was watching it and just held him for the whole of one song-
N
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3.6
5.6
892
Male
... and at the end of the song, let go and walked off.
S
2.818182
2.818182
3.272727
892
Male
(laughing) it was perfect. it was a perfect gig. until the end, about three songs before the end, they were playing hoppi-
H
5.2
4.6
5
892
Male
so when that is repeatedly used on bbc one nature documentaries, and-
H
5.5
5
5
892
Male
... three songs before the end, people started to come in to see stevie wonder, right?
H
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4.6
892
Male
of course, you went, he's a legend, of course, you would, you want a good place to see him.
X
4.818182
4.727273
4.727273
892
Male
look, i'm a standup, i hear all sorts of language, i am not offended by language in any way-
H
4.8
5.2
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892
Male
... or what other people say, but sometimes there is a time and a place for vulgarity. and at that time they're playing hoppy-
D
5.2
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5
892
Male
... i'm imagining glaciers and an absence of people.
F
4.2
3.4
4.6
892
Male
and this group of teenage girls barges in front of me, and one of them shouts very loudly-
C
5.375
3.875
5.25
892
Male
... in five days but i'm going to have to vag wash because it's gone manky.
A
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3
6
892
Male
no, not now. don't ruin my glacier, don't do it, don't do it now.
A
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892
Male
and then the one behind her said, "this one-
U
6.2
4.4
6
892
Male
... the blind one or the one that sings hello?" fucking read a thing. read a fucking thing in your life.
X
6.8
2.2
6.4
892
Male
and then they stood in front of us and they raised up this massive banner so that we couldn't see anything, and on the front of it, it said, "we love you-
X
6
4.181818
5.636364
892
Male
stevie." he will never see that.
X
5.6
4
6
892
Male
yes, so that is the end of the tragedy for-
S
5
4
5.4
151
Female
hello, how you guys doing? i don't have a microphone. hello, how you guys going?
X
4.4
4.2
4.6
894
Male
show all about failure, this is the traditional star, ladies and gentlemen.i need-
H
5.4
5
5.5
894
Male
hello, everybody, welcome to stand up tragedy fails better.
H
5
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5
894
Male
... how that works. so, yeah, welcome to stand up tragedy fails better.
X
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894
Male
tragedy fails better. we probably need to define fails better and we have to define standup tragedy, right?yeah-
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Female
and fail better is a monthly podcast that we run, which is all about dying on stage, failing, and the hilariously awful.
H
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Female
... saying. all right, so i think it's time to get our first guest up onto the stage here at stand up tragedy fails better. all right, ladies and gents, i want you to go wild and crazy for our first act up onto the-
H
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894
Male
... couldn't get into oxford.
H
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Male
it's quite erotic. are you ready?yeah.
X
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5.4
4.8
894
Male
... strap in. it's quarter to seven on a saturday morning.
H
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5.1
895
Male
she moves her body towards my kisses. i taste her, breathe her in, she's like chocolate on my lips. and what was-
A
6
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5.8
895
Male
... like squirrels. tense, rigid, ears sharp as reeds. i think it's just claws on a scratch post.
H
5.333333
5.166667
5.5
895
Male
... seconds later but naked from the waist down. and i'm lower still underneath the covers, it's warm, she's warm and we don't need any further persuasion.
X
6.111111
5.222222
5.888889
895
Male
we plunged beneath the duvet like divers in a cotton lagoon. and i'm moving on top of her, in her, with her, but i'm still listening. and i'm feeling-
H
6.2
4.8
6
895
Male
and it's good, she's so good, the framework creaks loud as a mouse, so i go slower.
H
5.8
4.8
5.2
895
Male
but i want her so much the momentum find its voice. it whispers, it groans, it creaks, the cat scratches and i strain hear what i don't want to, but i'm feeling it and it's so good, and i'm a piston now, i-
H
6.545455
5.636364
6.272727
895
Male
... steam train, loud and fast. and she's with me running, speeding towards the station, and we're almost there. wait, what you doing?
H
6
5.333333
6
895
Male
... squirrels again. busted, but for the dignity of a duvet. i look at the panic in the face beneath me and i'm reaching for a lie, but she's-
F
6
3.090909
5.090909
895
Male
... quicker. "we're having a tickle fight." genius. it's-
A
5.2
3.8
4.8
895
Male
... so convincing that her daughter yells, "brilliant," and leaps onto the bed and onto my-
U
6.181818
4.818182
5.727273
895
Male
... back, thus pushing me deeper into her mum, who shrieks-
H
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4.625
4.875
895
Male
i'm trapped in an obscene sandwich-
A
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4
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Male
... mother and daughter. i am fortune's pervert.
H
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895
Male
her mother skillfully tickles her off my back affording me seconds to release myself. but i'm still-
X
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3.4
4.6
895
Male