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... with the ipod touch or the ipod face or ipod foot-
X
5.6
4
5.6
893
Female
i don't really know what... it's a pre-
O
4.923077
4.461538
5.153846
893
Female
i don't really want to cry in front of you guy, so i'm going to do something which is like a small tragedy. it's a piece-
S
5.2
4.6
4.4
893
Female
... ad i still had no idea who she was. i remember thinking, "i have"-
F
5.2
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151
Female
this is a good moment. and while they go, i want you to give them all a wonderful round of applause. katrina j-
H
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927
Female
i know time is [inaudible 00:04:00] tragedy, plus the next performers will need us to be on time, so how-
X
5.4
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5
151
Female
... and i'm your host. now what we do at standup tragedy is we stand up and we do tragedy.
N
4
4
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867
Male
we invite performance from different parts of the arts. we get comedians-
H
5.777778
5.333333
5.888889
867
Male
... storytellers, spoken word artists, musicians, and more to come up on stage and to do something about tragedy, about the sad things in life, with some laughs-
O
5.181818
4.909091
5.090909
867
Male
we like people to cry until they laugh and laugh until they cry. and one thing i should say about this night is because it is about tragedy, we should expect-
A
6.833333
1.5
6
867
Male
... to see some tragedy, like you walk down the street, you could get hit by a car anytime, and tragedy could befall you.
X
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2.8
4
867
Male
we know it's going to happen, and it's going to happen on this stage.
X
5
3.8
5.2
867
Male
won't, shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, because at standup tragedy, we like to create a safe space to talk about unsafe things. and we are a live show.
H
6.272727
4.818182
5.727273
867
Male
we are also a podcast. so as many people as there is in the room, there's a much bigger audience that this is actually going out to.
H
5.9
5.3
5.6
867
Male
but you're the ones who count. you're the ones who matter. although, if you're listening-
N
5.8
4.6
5.6
867
Male
... i'm talking as you, so everybody's happy. you're all great.
H
6.454545
6.090909
6.090909
867
Male
so yes. so we've got some other shows happening at the fringe, as well.
H
6.1
5.4
5.3
867
Male
we're doing at 7:30 every day, all the way through the fringe.
N
4.6
4.2
4.8
867
Male
we've got guest hosts coming in and doing completely different lineups-
N
5.2
4
5
867
Male
... people who aren't me talking, which is i always like that, when it's not me-
X
5.636364
4.636364
4.909091
867
Male
... talking, although i do choose to stand up on stage and talk quite a lot.
C
6
3
5
867
Male
but yes, so we're doing that in here, and apart from on tuesdays-
N
6
5.333333
5.444444
867
Male
... when we have a different show happening, i'm going to be in conversation with people-
H
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867
Male
... in a show called getting better acquainted on monday.
H
5.666667
5.111111
5.666667
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Male
she will be my guest on tuesday. and also i'm doing another show at 12:05, at cabaret voltaire, and if you think it's tragic-
H
6
6
5
867
Male
... this show, my solo show is much, much more tragic and serious.
X
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3.8
5.2
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Male
it's on, as i said, at 12:05 at cabaret voltaire. it's called-
N
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5.2
867
Male
... what about the men? mansplaining masculinity, and it's about how men get hurt by society and maybe how they hurt people because of society. so that's kind of what it's about.
N
4
4
4
867
Male
i had a really nice big audience today-
X
5.636364
4.909091
4.727273
867
Male
... at the show, which was really nice, to be talking to lots of people about sad things and them appreciating it and responding and stuff like that, which is-
H
5.5
5.428571
5.357143
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Male
... good. so, yeah, we're part of the pbh free fringe-
N
4.6
4
4.8
867
Male
i mean, a bit on the podcast goes " well, oh dear. i'll be me." i say, "hello." i won't use the microphone, because i think i can talk quite loud-
H
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889
Male
just to mitigate, because i don't like sun. it's just to mitigate the sun. it's about so now-
N
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Male
... a guy, he fell in love with a [inaudible 00:06:53] online, and now they've got a dog.
X
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889
Male
that's a code. so yeah, what i'm going to do, so... yeah, okay, well, i'm going to do a song-
H
5.2
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889
Male
another thing that doesn't get rid of me ... so my own personal tragedy is the si-90 guy and his fall-
H
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Male
he said, "it's not so bad. it's not so bad," and one of the things i've noticed about the world of a popular music is that... one of the things that i don't like about the world of pop music is it's very youth oriented.
H
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Male
you know, it's like going... we write songs-
N
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Male
that's fine. if you're in your twenties and you're write a song about being in your twenties or younger-
N
5.153846
4.769231
4.923077
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Male
... but i hate it when people my age write songs about that, as well.
D
5.2
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4
889
Male
so many love songs. i mean, some people say this world has had enough of silly-
A
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Male
send security. i did say that he was a very positive person. that's as dark as he can get.
H
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Female
... [inaudible 00:07:44] darkness later on. so prepare yourselves always for the tragedy. so, yes, i know-
N
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867
Male
... hopping horse at the newsroom at 2:30 from now until the 30th, but check, because she's got some days off. she's-
N
6
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151
Female
... also doing a show called immigrant diaries, which is a storytelling-
A
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867
Male
... show about immigration, as it's clear, really, from its title.
O
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867
Male
it starts at the assembly rooms at 10:00 o'clock from now until the 30th, but-
H
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151
Female
... not tomorrow, so don't go that day, but go the other days, because it's going to be great. we have-
H
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151
Female
that kind of slight little clap. "yeah, we'll see, we'll see. it might go there. you got to be funny."
X
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4.4
4
890
Female
you know what, how are you? you good, edinburgh? are we sunday?
H
4.6
5.6
3.8
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Female
is that what's happening, sunday?yeah.yeah, okay, sunday. i was getting a bit confused. i wasn't sure. so welcome. do i leave this here, or... yeah, you probably want me to leave it there. do you?
H
5.2
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5
890
Female
.now, okay, so comedy, tragedy. so i'm going to tell you a story-
H
5.8
4.4
5.2
890
Female
... because obviously i'm doing a storytelling show called immigrant diaries. it is-
U
5
4
4.6
890
Female
i tell a lot of true stories. so guys, who's been on holiday, ever? give me some noise.
H
5.727273
5.363636
5.363636
890
Female
who's been to holiday to pakistan, karachi?
H
6.2
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5.8
890
Female
who's been on holiday to pakistan, karachi, and got held at gunpoint and as a hostage by the kim mqm? no-
U
5.2
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5
890
Female
this is my story, right? so i go to karachi.
H
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Female
i go to a wedding, and that's where i'm from. i'm born in pakistan, and i've gone back as an adult, and i've gone to a wedding, and i'm three months pregnant.
N
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890
Female
and i arrive in pakistan. i go to the wedding. i wear all my gold. have you all seen asian weddings?
X
4.4
4
5
890
Female
ladies and gentlemen, have you? have you ever seen videos? have you seen bollywood films?
X
4
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4
890
Female
lots of gold, right? lots of gold. that's compulsory, because that's our dowry.
N
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4.4
890
Female
they make to look like they've had a make-over done on pimp my bride, don't they? lots of gold. but anyway, so i've got this gold i'm wearing to a wedding, because that's compulsory-
H
5.181818
5.363636
4.909091
890
Female
... but in the baby [inaudible 00:09:42] in the oven. anyway, i'm-
N
3.8
3.8
4
890
Female
... waking up at my grandmother's house after the wedding processions and stuff, and i'm awoken by... i've got a massive family.
N
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4.4
4.4
890
Female
so people come and go all the time. and i see at the [inaudible 00:00:14] through the lounge-
X
4.6
4.2
4.8
890
Female
but there's a fan, it's the coolest room in the house. and a man comes to the door.
X
4.8
4.2
4
890
Female
i can hear some commotion at my eyes and this man sort of says, "go back to sleep". i think, "oh, it must be another uncle because-
N
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4
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Female
there are millions of them" and he wants to be another uncle. and i know he says, "go back to sleep".
X
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Female
i've just realized, he's saying "go back to sleep" with a gun in his hand.
F
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2.4
4.4
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Female
my precious ring. and as i've got up, i am towering above-
H
5.2
4
4.8
890
Female
this little hobbit terrorist, basically. right? he's tiny. and he's clearly got a small man syndrome because he started getting more aggressive with me-
X
4
3.2
4.2
890
Female
and he starts pushing the gun in my back. and i'm aware that i'm three months pregnant and i'm not pictured by... what the fuck is going on? i can hear noise going on in the other room.
A
5.5
2.166667
5.416667
890
Female
and he pushes me to the other room. and in the other room is my mother, and my mother and the rest of the families-
N
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3.8
4.6
890
Female
other members of the family, and she's kicking off and she's going, "oh, [inaudible 00:01:09]-
H
5.2
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4.2
890
Female
i've gone out for a cup of tea". what the fuck? you know, what's happening?
A
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Female
there's another gunman there. and he's holding a gun to all the rest of the family. and she's "listen to me", said, "listen-
F
5.6
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5.4
890
Female
they won't listen to me. you know, when i get nervous, i have to go to the toilet-
U
5
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Female
they won't let me go to the toilet. they won't let me go for a shit". right.
D
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890
Female
there are not tea breaks in a hostage situation, right? there are any-
H
5.166667
5.166667
5.333333
890
Female
toilet breaks?. what are you doing, mom? just shut up. you're going to get some troubles. i'm trying to work this out. what's happening. so-
A
6.272727
2
6.090909
890
Female
these guys have basically broken in and they're holding everyone at gunpoint. what they want is they want money. they're trying to get hold of my uncle. who's a doctor. and i think that's who they really want.
F
5.6
2.6
4.8
890
Female
that's their target. because they want to kidnap him. they want to take him away so they can get the ransom.
N
4.4
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Female
the thing is the uncle who's a doctor is actually working in saudi. this is a massive fuck up, right? so they were busy trying to make the best of the situation.
A
4.888889
4.111111
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Female
and you know which everybody does. and my mom's still going on about the bloody toilet. i was like, "just shut out, mom, shut up".
A
5.2
3.6
5
890
Female
and they push us into the other bedroom. now there's a little baby girl. and there's two other aunts who were also pregnant.
X
5.090909
2.909091
4.818182
890
Female
it's like a maternity wing basically that these guys are not doing well. and the baby starts crying and they panic. i used to gunmen and the government that was attacking me.
F
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890
Female
let's call him gunman number two. who's actually the nicer one.
N
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Female
if you like, and he's a little bit more shaky. he's a little bit more nervous. and the other one's a little bit more aggressive-
N
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4.8
890
Female
so he says, "shut that baby up" because he's panicking. "it's okay.
A
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3
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890
Female
it's a household. babies cry. this is normal", but they haven't worked this through in their head-
N
4.4
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4.4
890
Female
they think that baby, somehow it's going to give a call, the help-
D
4.636364
3
4.909091
890
Female
someway and the baby's crying he says, "shut the baby up". and he panics.
A
4.4
2
3.8
890
Female
he goes up to the baby and he pulls the trigger. and he's about to shoot the baby [inaudible 00:03:03] "please -
F
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Female
demagogic can't kill the baby. can't [inaudible 00:03:06]. and my aunt says, "look, it's fine. it's fine. i-
F
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Female
i can make her be quiet". she quickly lifts up her top-
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Female
the baby. baby starts being quiet and we're all like, "thank god, thank god".
O
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Female
now they're telling us to take all the gold off and that's it taking the gold off. we've all taken our gold off. there's a gold chain around my neck. i always think this guy has seen too many films because-
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Female
you know in the films it always comes off. in real life that shit doesn't happen.
X
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Female
so the gold chain, it's just really silly but you need... because it's 22 karat gold.
H
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Female
they're going around and i'm thinking just clock them. and what you have to do is hope to do a little photo thing when the police come round and i shall do-
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Female