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**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** So we know the role that social connection plays because -- I don't know if you've looked around, but we don't have orphanages for infants anymore. We once upon a time did... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** And that, in part, is due to the fact that if babies were not tended to, if they didn't have that social connection and relationship, that they didn't survive. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Wow. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah... I mean, you don't think anything of the fact that actual punishments in prison are social isolation? We wouldn't use that if it didn't have a reason that it was actually offensive to our brain, and I would contend really our soul, our fundamental humanity. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** The pain of it though - how does the pain come in though? If it's about conditioning somebody -- let's say in the prison scenario, with isolation, or removing them from the social gatherings and isolating themselves... If that ultimately hurts them, what's the process of that pain? Does it begin in ... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, this is what is, I think, super-fascinating... And that is that the research has shown that the physical pain centers of our brain actually light up when we are rejected socially. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Really? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So as if you got punched in the face and got rejected - same? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yup. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Wow. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** So it doesn't stay there, it's just sort of like that part of the brain gets lit initially, and then you experience more emotional pain. And I think we can talk to this concept even later in understanding more about how pain works, and the overlap between even physical pain and emotional p... |
So you get in an argument with your spouse, or you have an interaction with a friend, or you're left out of the group; everybody else is doing their thing and you are the only one not invited - it literally hurts, physically. But then you're just sort of stuck, unless you develop coping skills or strategies to navigate... |
And I like to think of these things when we talk about relationship and challenges that we encounter - people are unskilled. They just haven't learned other skills that work better. So if I've only ever learned how to play defense, I'm probably not gonna be the best offensive player. Period. And that doesn't mean I can... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Stay alive. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I love that. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[24:14\] I know. "How do I not die today?" So when we encounter pain, it can be challenging... Because remember, the emotional center of the brain is more that mammalian brain. So if you think of mammals, cats and dogs - they don't know what day of the week it is; they don't have language... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right, right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Because it legitimately hurts. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Let's summarize the importance of relationships then. Obviously, they're good for feedback loops... We very lightly touched on the fact that relationships form our own personal mind, on who we think we are. They're a learned experience, this conditioning process. It's also required; if not, you'll w... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** What are some more summaries for relationships and their importance? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** I would say without them we are apt to struggle more. We know the benefits that relationships have, and especially when we look at the five people that we tend to surround ourselves the most with. I think about this as it relates to habits, choices we make, purchases, all of the ways we do... |
I want to be very intentional about the people that I surround myself with. If you think about even possessions that you value in your life - do you treat them differently because you value them? If you get a new car, versus a 1985 Pinto... I don't even know if they made Pintos back then. \[laughs\] But do you treat th... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I would say yeah. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. So I would contend that when we value the relationships we have with other people, it changes the choices that we make and the way we allow them to affect us. Because I'm not gonna park next to anything or drive my car anyway if I feel like it's really special or I spent a lot of mo... |
So in this way, if I can go "Look, I as a human being matter. Not relative to any other person, but simply because I'm fundamentally human, and I know that being human means being embedded in relationship..." Then I wanna be somewhat intentional, if not very intentional, about who I surround myself with, and recognizin... |
Because most of the time we will ask our friends and the people that we value what their feedback is about major life choices, right? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, it's true. Phone a friend. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Exactly. It's a lifeline. And that actually is super-adaptive, and helps us to not just survive, but really thrive. And when you're vested in growth, I think that you always want to level up. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I would even add one more to that, which is just a different side of what you said, which was also the responsibility you have; if others have that influence on you, recognize your responsibility and the influence you have on others. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Touché, touché. |
• Thoughts and their accuracy in influencing feelings, actions, and behavior |
• The importance of attention in being aware of one's thoughts |
• Limited attention span and its impact on noticing details in daily life |
• Cognitive distortions, specifically catastrophic thinking and worst-case scenarios |
• Contextualizing thoughts to determine their validity and relevance |
• Practicing gratitude as a way to cope with loss and negative emotions |
• Imagining negative scenarios as a coping mechanism |
• Negative thoughts affecting emotions and creating a cycle of anxiety |
• Practicing self-compassion through internal dialogue and acknowledging different aspects of oneself |
• The importance of cognitive flexibility in maintaining wellness |
• Common thought distortions, including: |
• All-or-nothing binary thinking (e.g. "always" or "never") |
• Future-focusing instead of present-moment awareness |
• Catastrophic thinking |
• The dangers of all-or-nothing thinking in relationships and personal growth |
• The importance of specificity when giving feedback or criticism |
• How all-or-nothing thinking can lead to feelings of hopelessness and discouragement |
• The use of the hummingbird analogy to illustrate how to adapt to new situations and challenges |
• The role of awareness and expectation in overcoming all-or-nothing thinking |
• The concept of distortions, including catastrophizing and should-ing (self-criticism) |
• The importance of reframing self-criticism into encouraging language |
• Internal dialogue and the role of "should" in motivation |
• The difference between internal desire vs external expectation |
• Conscientiousness and autonomy in decision-making |
• The impact of past experiences on internal narrative and self-talk |
• Nuance and individual differences in interpreting "should" statements |
• The distinction between assistive and maladaptive use of "should" |
• Mental filters and focusing on negative details |
• Importance of considering both positive and negative aspects |
• Recognizing the impact of a solely negative mindset on daily life |
• Strategies for combating mental filters, including: |
• Becoming aware of them |
• Focusing on positive experiences |
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