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**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** And it's not that they've said anything, it's that they're doing something. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Correct. So you're paying attention to these visual cues, that then you make inferences or judgments, that then create feelings, that then contribute to choices, which then might bring you closer to or farther from that individual and relationship. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Wow. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right...? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** What I'm hearing all along the way is the struggle. This connecting and feeling is a big struggle. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[36:06\] It is. You know, ironically... My husband always says "47 or 7, it doesn't matter." You still are trying to figure out how to live beside other people who make choices you might not make, and to stay in connection, as families, and going -- you know, we pick the people; we can't ... |
In that example, say somebody has their cell phone out and keeps looking, or tapping their fingers, etc. Well, what if you gave them an opportunity by saying "Hey, by the way, what's up? Are you waiting for a call?" and you enquired, i.e. used your words, and then said "Hey, that just bothers me. I don't have a lot of ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** That would contribute to you feeling very different in the relationship with them... Because 1) they used their words; but you did too, and you said "Hey, it really bothers me when you do that. I'm uncomfortable/hurt/fill-in-the-feeling-word", and now I just created more of the fabric of t... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Wow. I never really considered that, honestly... I mean, it's happened to me recently, and I never really considered the confrontation, which that's what it seems like it is, and there's a way you can approach it, with love and respect or not, this confrontation; describing to this person, giving th... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. What they did is when you shared your perspective and invited them to share theirs, you now built a context for where they were coming from, and you're like "Oh, so now I have more space, and now we can actually communicate with our words, and it actually brought us closer." Even yo... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I would... \[laughter\] |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** I know. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** See? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** But we were talking about feelings - clarifying; I'm just clarifying. "This is what I've heard you say", or "This is what I heard you say to me. Is that what you meant?" |
**Adam Stacoviak:** "Is that true?" Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. One of my favorite things is just doing the observational feedback of like "Hey, I noticed whenever we sit down you tend to leave your phone out on the table... And I'm just not sure how to make sense of that." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** And give them a chance to explain it. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. It's like the roundabout invite. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Some would call that -- so I said "confrontation", and some would say that what you described was passive-aggressive. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[39:44\] Touché. However, this is part of being an adult and being human. We have to use our own words, and if you feel like someone is being passive-aggressive, you can say "Hey, that didn't really feel so hot to me. I don't prefer for you to come in the back door in that way. Just tell ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** What I'm hearing is that there's no opt out. As you'd mentioned, you can't opt out a feeling; you can opt out on how you may wanna feel about something, or change that, but it sounds like you can't opt out of struggling. You're stuck with struggle. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yup. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So the best thing to figure out is how to cope with the struggle. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right. And really, that's so paramount. In my field we talk about two lanes of coping with different struggle. We talk about developing emotional coping strategies, like "Can I journal? Can I meditate? Exercise?" things like that, that actually contribute to me feeling differently. But the... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** You mentioned before naming things being so crucial. Is just naming something -- how does that really help somebody to be able to identify what the real problem is? Why is that so crucial? |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Because if I'm minimizing things or I'm using some way of distorting what's actually happening, it doesn't help me navigate it any better. I could look at Mt. Rainier and be like "It ain't that big... It's just a little mountain." I know it's a volcano... "I can totally hike that." But how... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah... Wow. It takes learn by doing, in most cases; iteration, patience... There's so many people who are so hard on themselves, especially programmers... Because you're often in uncharted territories; on the hourly, on the daily. So having patience for yourself and your own learning process, and u... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[43:10\] Right. And bear in mind that especially if you're then frustrated because of the emotions that you're having, like "Ugh, I keep trying to work out this thing, and no matter what, I can't get past it. I can't figure out this code. What's not working?" Actually, the emotions that y... |
When we're looking at these ways that we struggle, it really is just true that nobody gets to opt out of humanity... And I would say that's really a good thing, because we can really enjoy our lives and have some really amazing experiences - relationships, emotions - and figure out how to get better. I'm fascinated by ... |
It's interesting, I was having a conversation with a friend recently, and they were just shocked or appalled that somebody did X, Y or Z... And I was talking to them and I said "Really? You're really that surprised?" And they were like "Yeah." And I was like "Because I'm not surprised at all, because that's just what p... |
• The challenges of parenting and relationships stem from differences between individuals and the need to navigate diverse perspectives and behaviors. |
• Self-discovery is an ongoing process that involves understanding one's own complexities and facets through life experiences and feedback loops. |
• Conditioning plays a significant role in learning and behavior, with positive and negative reinforcement influencing how we interact with others and ourselves. |
• Empathy and understanding are essential components of relationships, requiring us to set aside our own perspectives and see things from the other person's point of view. |
• Connection and relationships shape who we are as individuals, with a strong emphasis on emotional bonding and attachment in early development. |
• Skin-to-skin contact and immediate attachment between mother/infant or primary caregiver after birth |
• Neuroplasticity and brain development in infants and young children |
• Importance of relationships and emotional connections for neural network growth and empathy |
• Limited brain function and formation until mid-twenties, affecting behavior and decision-making |
• Protective measures to prevent brain injury during childhood activities |
• Scaffolding concept: parents acting as frontal lobe for children's development and growth |
• Jury-rigging behaviors in individuals who lack healthy attachment and connection |
• Research on nonverbal communication and facial expression in empathy and attachment development |
• The importance of physical touch in reducing stress |
• Conditioning and social isolation can lead to long-term negative effects on individuals |
• Social connection is fundamental to human nature and survival |
• Rejection and isolation can stimulate pain centers in the brain |
• Emotional pain is diffuse and challenging to navigate due to its lack of localization |
• Developing coping skills and strategies is essential for managing emotional pain |
• Relationships shape our personal identity and are necessary for growth and well-being |
• The importance of intentional relationships in influencing one's choices and behaviors |
• Valuing oneself as a human being regardless of external relationships |
• Recognizing the impact of surrounding oneself with certain people or influences on personal growth and decision-making |
• Being mindful of one's responsibility to others, as well as their influence on those around them |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** My husband has often said, as we parent, more of the challenges that come along with that... So at one point in time he used to say "Seven or forty-seven", because obviously, he was forty when we had our son; that it didn't matter what age you are, we still struggled with relationship, and... |
I think in life we are just apt to struggle with relationships, because not everybody is like us, and we don't always know all of ourselves either. Some of the time when I talk with patients about ourself, or this notion of ourselves, I like to think of it as like a gemstone, in that there's different facets, depending... |
But all of that being said, we're always going to be able to navigate our relationships with others more adaptively or more effectively when we figure out how to deal with ourselves. Would you agree? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I feel like learning more about yourself is about life experiences. Kind of like if you go on a camping trip, for example, in the middle of the woods, and you have your first overnight in, say, the Texas heat... And I don't want you to do that, camping in Texas, in the summer; you'll probably die. B... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yes. I like to think of that in terms of feedback. We can look at the feedback loop as conditioning, and go "Was it positive? Is it something I want to do more of? Or was it negative, and like woo-- that did not pay. I do not think I'll do that again", hence camping in Texas in the summer. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right, don't do that. So what is conditioning then? |
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