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MSP_POD_NLP

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five every day, the cabaret voltaire and my shaking arms, that's the kind of thing that men get mocked for not being strong enough.
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but i don't care about that because that's why i'm doing that show. so you can come and see that.
H
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yeah. that was kind of crowbarred in. but i realized i had mentioned it early on. right. so our next performer.
H
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that obviously i'm santa. i've been-
H
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and there were other tables were getting invitations to other people's parties like we'd-
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it's true. i saw it in her eyes. like it'd been this just melancholy thing of like a fling with a married man. it's on this determination of want-
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you're a famous person. what you say is-
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right, i remember the words pour-
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out her mouth, she actually said it. like everyone had been thinking it, no one say it.
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she stayed in the flat sobbing like the way a hyena laughs.
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i got back barbara was there to meet us and she was lovely. and matt was fine by the way.
U
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it wasn't the same anymore though, like the spark had gone. i think she knew like we've never really talked about that holiday.
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most years she's on the good list. right?
A
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i get to see her and... i like to think that she's like really good.
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saving the whales and working for a cancer charity on the weekends.
H
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and the reality is she's probably just getting by. it's become a lot easier to get on the good list since business has started going so well,
H
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one or two years, she's been on the bad list and that's worse.
N
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it's all on my show just now, you know what i mean? it's more than me. i mean, you can't just cancel-
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job. it's beyond that now, that decision was made a long, long time ago, but-
A
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theoretically are important, but basically you do all the grunt work-
C
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that's totally fine. but i didn't want to take him for walkies.
H
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i know. and i wasn't really on hormones at the time. and you know, i'd been to a party, i'd been to that particular party.
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i'm flattered, cause you, you.
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well, she, isn't doing a show in edinburgh, which is great actually. it's good to have people who aren't doing shows occasionally on non-variety nights.
H
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yes. so she's not doing a show in edinburgh, but you can follow her on twitter at @wordgeeksarah. put your hands together everyone.
H
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for sarah thomason.
H
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use someone's real name in a poem, but i forgive but i don't forget.
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she was big, joanne seaton, not fat.
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amazonian. her victims were beaten.
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her reign was draconian. she ruled us with fear. it scared.
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the permanent sneer distorted her features. now me.
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i was shy, undersized and precocious. that's probably why i first caught joanne's-
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notice. she threatened and ridicule each day. the.
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same. she made me feel minuscule, burned me with shame. i ignored-
U
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it at first, but she only got bolder. so i feared the worst when her hand grabbed my.
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shoulder. i was pinned to the wall. sweating, clutching my bag when she just said it.
F
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all. virgin, lesbians.
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and i started to laugh if you're talking to.
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pick one, cause i can't be all three. didn't say that out loud.
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cause i like being alive, but i stopped feeling-
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cowed and i knew i'd survived because being called gay felt bizarrely empowering. so i just away and i left
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in a glee. joanne should be glad she got two out of three, and for her that's not bad.
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kids. and all kids when they're under five, you think you can see the goodness in them. like at that age you can see all of them. you can see the goodness in them and you know that they're going to school and you know what school-
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is going to do to them. or at least i know what school did to me.
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you can find out about it at 12:05 every day at cabaret, voltaire.
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apart from on mondays. right? okay. so i'm going to bring on our last piece of tragedy.
U
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today. he's doing a show called christian talbot is shite at being irish, which gives away his name.
U
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he's doing that at the underbelly med quad at 5:20 pm every day.
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please welcome to the stage paddy joe mcginty.
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are you drinking? are you drinking? are you drinking? are you drinking? are you drinking? are you drinking? are you drinking? are you drinking? are you drinking? what are you? a protestant?
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go hit the back garden and you'd just kill a poor defenseless animal.
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here, her tinder.
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i'm not the crack.
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i'm not, i'm not the crack.
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i don't care where you're from.
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i actually consider myself to be, if not one of the first, perhaps the only.
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an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman are in a pub in london. of course it's.
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london. there's no jobs in ireland or scotland.
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a married couple are on their wedding night, having just consummated the union.
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"was amazing, darling. aren't you glad we waited?" and the other-
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the road, because a group of men were walking towards it and because of our current culture, that's what it needs to do to feel safe.
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why did the child of a homosexual couple cross the road?
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couple of asking for directions.
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says where's the soap? that's as far as that joke goes due to the decreasing number of-
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a horse walks into a bar. the barman says, "why the long face?" the horse says, "because we're living in a time of economic-"
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"austerity and political and social conservativism". an irish woman goes to the-
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doctor, she says, "doctor, doctor, i think i'm pregnant". and the doctor says, "i hope you don't have any complications as the statewide-"
U
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"your unborn child over yours". i was in dublin the other day, i ordered a coffee. the barman said to me,
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"hey, would you like me to irish that up?" i said, "sure." so he charged me twice and-
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last anti-crack joke, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. an englishman and-
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a scotsman are having a drink. and the barman asked them if you were a woman-
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i'd go to work and wonder why i'm-
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oh, it's been a great hour of tragedy, right? so we've got different-
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lineup every single night at the fringe, pretty much, and tuesday's-
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so basically obviously due to my condition i've been-
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in and out of hospital a lot as a kid, i have a very visible disability, which is my height that-
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obviously draws a lot of attention to myself. my life has been very varied because of that.
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so i think that automatically entitles me to a major part in a hollywood film.
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that hasn't happened yet, which is a fucking tragedy in my eyes.
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so it's not through lack of trying as well, because i really have, because the movie industry needs people like me. doesn't it?
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yeah, it needs people like me, but it never is me, basically. so for years now-
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so my first break nearly came when i was about 21. and that guy, a warwick davis, willow, whatever.
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so he came to my graduation ceremony. now at the time that didn't strike me as weird.
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but it actually does now because he wasn't even at our university. hanging out at a graduation ceremony, which is a little bit weird, spotted me and he'd set up an agency for short people in film.
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so he decided to give me a call to see what i was doing, see if i wanted to be in the movies.
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so in my head is what you have to remember [inaudible 00:00:52] although you're seeing me with very visible disability at the moment, in my head...
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i don't really see it. so in my head, i am beyonce.
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so i take on every single task in my life and do what beyonce would do, basically. so when he called me about a role in the movies, i'm like, "oh man."
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i'm like madonna in desperately seeking susan. that's what he wants to, did it?
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he wants me as like, "oh, what's her face in silence of the lambs?
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or doesn't he? no. what he wanted me for was a bearded lady in the floor of a-
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tragic. yeah. so that came to an end.
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and basically she ended the conversation with, "you're basically a very intelligent young lady, though, aren't you?"
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meaning that all [inaudible 00:01:44] are just fake as [inaudible 00:01:45].
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so i gave up movies.
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when i got a call out the blue from a friend of mine who had disappeared and basically gone to work in the film industry.
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and he called me up and said, "joanna." "oh, hi."
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"are you working at the moment? because basically we've got kevin costner down."
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"we've got gary oldman down. we've got tommy lee down."
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yeah. "we're all making a film in london. and we wondered if you wanted to help out."
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