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yeah. sorry. my bad. so i might just go to the bathroom and-
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Female
... clean this off, and i grabbed some makeup wipes sitting by the bed. you-
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Female
...can wipe your neck.
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Female
i stood up and looked down at my old friend's naked body, which was hairier than i'd expected it to be, and now speckled with blood from my drug-damaged nose.
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Female
... and i started to laugh maniacally. blood, still pour-
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Female
... crazy. like, maybe you've just killed someone.
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Female
like you've killed them and then eaten their face, and i don't really know why you'd get naked to kill someone and eat their face.
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Female
you do seem happy that they're dead.
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Female
oh god. is this something you do? do you kill people and then-
U
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Female
... eat their face after sex? are you going to do it to me?
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Female
if you are, could i cum first? that was a joke.
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Female
it's just, you're still bleeding quite a lot. and at that-
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Female
i picked it up. i'm not really sure why. it wasn't exactly the right moment for interaction with the outside world. and i-
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Female
i just loved having him around. he knew i was going to liverpool and he-
H
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Female
blinks, near blinks. it is the cutest w-.
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Female
and i could end the story there and you'd be like, yeah, fair play. that does sound like a bad relationship.
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Female
because here's the thing about liverpool. i'm sure it has some good qualities.
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Female
but it is not romantic. it's not sexy.
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Female
no one's ever gone. oh, i quite fancy a weekend away with my lover but, i think i'll skip the beautiful-
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Female
history and i'm sorry, but i'm just not that kind of masochist.
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or ultimately a person that i needed in my life.
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Female
and i would like to go back to liverpool when i'm not trying to have a relationship there because i'm sure i'm being unfair to the place, but liverpool felt built for bad relationships.
X
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Female
i hardly saw anyone holding hands or kissing in the street.
X
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Female
but i did see four fights break out on a single wednesday night and i was in a vegan cafe.
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Female
i mean, you might miss cheese, but does it make you that angry? liverpool felt like a place-
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this new boy of mine, he was a poet. and i'm sorry because i know we all got together a few years ago and agreed to stop banging poets.
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but see the way i knew he was a poet was less by the words he produced and more by how he produced them. exclusively on a typewriter.
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mr. steven gerrard that hung above his bed because oh yes, he was a lad poet, which is a breed i could have gone to my grave-
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Female
you want the-
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Female
and said, "hey, hey you".
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Female
"that you have very hairy arms?"
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"paul, did you know that your mrs-"
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Female
"has very hairy arms?"
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Female
"yeah", he responded.
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Female
"but i'm mostly okay with it."
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Female
we finally left that kitchen at 9:00 am and headed back to his house in silence.
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Female
i went into the bathroom, telling him i needed to wash off my face-
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but what i was actually washing off was the whole freezing night and the many painful months and the terrible, ugly feelings that i was having.
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Female
i looked at myself in his mirror, my reflection surrounded by liverpool fc towels.
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Female
and the various lynx body sprays of his flatmates.
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and i told myself-
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the first time i kissed my husband-
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it was spring.
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becky's in the audience for me, i'm not going to know this.
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Female
so, i love it so much that i've written it a song. so i'm going to sing you the song.
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everybody put your hands together for [inaudible 00:03:57]
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okay. and i am a children's author.
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i write children's fiction under the pseudonym, mr.-
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children man, which is not a weird name. you're wrong about that.
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now my partner and i, eight months ago, had a little baby girl. and...thank you.
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thank you guys. and this is a little story-
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first of all, about that. and then i'll move on to the tragic change.
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it's not foreboding. it's just a little poem about raising a child.
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raising a child is like riding a bicycle, hard, when you d-
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raising a child is like finding a penny-
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i'm happy most of the time. so for this next bit though-
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i want to talk about sort of a period of my life, which was really quite hard.
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now a lot of people think that my stories lack harder, but they are mostly comedic.
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but one story, which i'm sort of most proud of, i wrote as part of a best man speech.
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for the wedding of two of my best friends, joe crawford and rebecca hills.
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so you guys would love rebecca. she fixes computers, but she should be a singer.
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so they asked me to do this speech as being a best man.
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originally, joe did want his older brother, peter to be his best man, but i convinced him.
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peter's a dental hygienist. it would be a waste of a speech.
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also peter has one leg slightly shorter than the other.
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which shouldn't matter.
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so in order to kind of get across the heart of this best man speech-
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i'm going to need some help to recreate the atmosphere of this wedding. so first of all-
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i'm going to need a bride and i'm going to need a groom. never choose anyone who volunteers.
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and i need a groom, as well.
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sir, could i ask you please? not on stage. if you could stand there for me, that'd be marvelous. and you could just stand next to your blushing bride.
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i always find it's good when doing this to split up couples because that's what happens in real life. right.
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thank you guys. if you could look at me though, that'd be lovely. excellent. cool. so we're going to have you guys on the groom side.
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Male
you guys on the bride side. back row-
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drunk. cool. now all i'm going to do is i'm going to go away.
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get ready. and then i want you guys to talk amongst yourselves.
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basically just recreate the atmosphere of a wedding.
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i'll come out and who's got a glass in their hand, bride-
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can i borrow you? when you see my thumbs up, can you ting the glass and say "pray silent for the best man". and then i'll just perform my thing and then i'll go. awesome.
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so the lunch of the day was pork shanks. just something to talk about.
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no it was obvious, there's a fucking line.
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ladies and gentlemen, i consider it the greatest honor-
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to stand before you here today. assembled friends, rebecca and joe's-
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family. oh, got the leaning tower of peter in today.
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you should be up here instead of me, mate. you'd be running circles around me?
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because he's got one leg shorter than the other.
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hide your daughter's everyone. it's graham.
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oh, hide your daughters.
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everybody hide your daughters. it's graham.
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hide your daughters everyone. hide them from graham.
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oh, graham.
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keep them safe. because there's a history there isn't-
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and one day we met this tiny mousy haired little girl called rebecca. after that it was the three of us they're never bloody apart.
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joe's dad would say, "graham, seriously though. hide your daughters."
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now, as you know, i'm a children's author.
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i wrote the fabulous fergus books and those will be available to buy in the lobby after the gig. sorry, the wedding.
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and i wrote this story for rebecca and joe's special day.
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once upon a time, there was a caterpillar called paul.
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for the people listening to the podcast.
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once upon a time, there was a caterpillar called paul and he was so lonely.
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