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**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[43:54\] Do I call myself stupid? Do I call myself a moron? It's a way in which we actually assault ourselves... Or even this sense of like "What's wrong with you? Why can't you just get it right?!" We reference this a lot in therapy, this inner critic, wherein there's no space to err or ... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. I'm so glad that you're reminding us to... When we apply these things - and we still have one more to go through - when we look at empathy, compassion, respect, or these four horsemen, to not just look at everyone else, but to the self... Because we often are our worst critics, and almost unan... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yes. Fundamentally. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** But continue, I don't wanna derail us. I just wanted to put that out there. I love that you're not only giving us the perspective of other people, but also ourselves. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yeah. So this last one is stonewalling. Imagine -- it's just like the word sounds, you're putting a wall between you and your partner or another person by either withdrawing or shutting down, or sort of distancing. It's interesting, because in Gottman's research he talks about -- there ten... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** But that this sense of "I need to go in my cave, so that I'm not overwhelmed by another person, and your emotions are just way too much; they've exceeded my threshold. So I'm gonna go away and I'll come back out when you're not that." So there's little hacks or tricks within this... It doe... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Disconnect. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yes. We need to go away. So in our relationships, I would say there has to be a limit... Because the pursuer needs to know "Oh no, you're coming back. You don't get to just leave." |
**Adam Stacoviak:** You're not getting off of this... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right...? But the withdrawer needs time to be like "Hold on, I still need time to breathe and sort of recalibrate, so that I can come back to you, and remember that you're not like an ogre. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** \[46:47\] Right. Well, in any -- oh, I can't say that; in most scenarios there needs to be this sort of safe ground, this time to sort of decompress... Going back to HALT - when you're hungry, angry, tired or lonely - in those scenarios you're not gonna make the best decisions. You won't even make t... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Yes. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** So you will not be your best person, say the best things in the heat of the moment. Give yourself some time to relax, reflect, and then come back to the scenario in a more calm manner, where you have empathy, respect, compassion at the forefront of this conversation, rather than just your anger, or ... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right, right. So we haven't really -- we've alluded to this, but no been specific... And I think that I don't wanna have these conversations without some sense of action. Because we can do a lot of motions, but if I don't have an action plan, I just end up treading water and not really get... |
• The fundamental human need to feel emotions |
• Humans' innate tendency to form relationships and connections with others |
• The universal human experience of struggling with various aspects of life, including physical, emotional, and mental challenges |
• The importance of acknowledging and accepting struggles in order to navigate them effectively |
• The value of naming and labeling experiences in order to better understand and cope with them |
• The human brain's design for emotions and self-reflection |
• Key structures of the brain: brain stem, limbic system (mammalian brain), and neocortex |
• Emotional center of the brain: amygdala in the mammalian brain |
• How language helps manage emotions through the prefrontal cortex |
• Brain injuries and their impact on cognitive function |
• Neural networks and memory formation |
• The malleability of neural connections and memory recall |
• The brain has a tendency to remember experiences with strong emotions more than those without |
• Neurons operate on the "all or none" principle, firing only when a certain threshold of excitation is reached |
• Focusing attention and energy can change how the brain thinks and reinforces certain neural networks |
• Habits are formed through repeated practice, making it easy to fall into autopilot mode |
• Emotions can be conditioned and associated with specific experiences, behaviors, or subjects, leading to automated responses |
• Feelings are not always facts and should be confirmed through self-reflection and repetition |
• Empathy is distinguished from sympathy as a way of connecting with others by seeing their perspective |
• Human beings are fundamentally hardwired for connection and fare better when surrounded by supportive relationships ("your people") |
• Social psychologists' research on tribal dynamics and their tendency to value in-group members over out-group members |
• The concept of an "in-group" vs. "out-group" mentality and how it can lead to atrocities against other groups |
• Mireille B. Reece's personal experiences with shared understanding and connection based on geographic location and interests |
• The importance of relating and shared understanding in forming connections with others |
• Empathy as a key component of connection and finding ways to support others |
• The role of touch and physical affection in buffering stress, reducing arousal, and promoting feelings of safety and security |
• The concept of attachment and its impact on human development and relationships |
• The importance of physical touch and proximity in human relationships |
• Distributed workforces and the impact on empathy and connection |
• The role of facial expressions and nonverbal cues in empathy and communication |
• Confronting conflicts and using "words" to clarify feelings and needs |
• Observational feedback as a tool for improving communication and relationships |
• Developing emotional coping strategies vs problem-solving coping |
• The importance of acknowledging and naming one's problems, rather than minimizing or distorting reality |
• The need for patience and self-compassion when facing challenges and struggles, especially in uncharted territories |
• Recognizing that emotions can interfere with problem-solving and coping, and the importance of taking a step back to address them |
• Practicing empathy and understanding towards oneself and others by recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** It's interesting having worked with people over so many years, because I think there's some common things or threads that start to emerge... One of those things is really just what it means to be human, and I would contend that there's these fundamentals that all people struggle with; and ... |
One of those, I would say, would be fundamentally we're designed to feel... And it's ironic, because people actually have feelings about feelings. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** I'd agree with that... |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right...? I think about it with crying, and going "I don't want to cry anymore, because that's an indicator of weakness." And if we're sitting with a friend, we'll be like "No, no... That's not weakness."But if you're sitting in front of your boss, you're like "Yeah, that's weakness...", r... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Right. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** For whatever reason, there's feelings about the feelings, but the bottom line is nobody gets to actually opt out of feeling. So with that, we're also all designed to be in relationship. We are fundamentally hard-wired to have social groups, and this sense of attachment. And because I'm sor... |
Think about it within the context of the prison system - why is it that the punishment for prisoners when they don't fall in line is isolation? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah, it's true. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right? That wouldn't be significant if in some way that doesn't actually harm our brain. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** It's almost like we need to have that echo from another human being to let us know that we're there, we're alive... Or just some sort of feedback loop. I'm not really sure how to describe that. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Well, it really is this sense of being "with." I can't fight battles on my friends' behalves, or on my kids' behalves. But the simple fact that I know of what's going on makes the difference, because I would contend it sort of like - I help them hold that weight emotionally. That actually ... |
The third thing that I would say in regards to the fundamentals of being human is that we all struggle. |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Oh, yes. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** Right...? |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Big-time. |
**Mireille B. Reece, Psy.D:** \[04:06\] And we don't always get to pick the way in which we struggle, but we all struggle. So some of it I would say we actually participate in the choosing of that, and going, you know, if it's how I spend my money, or if I'm abusing this thing or that, that there's a way in which I par... |
**Adam Stacoviak:** Yeah. I see that in humans, and I don't really see that anywhere else. I don't look at my fish tank and see my fish struggling; I don't look at my dog or my cat, or the squirrel outside struggling. It seems very akin to being human, right? I didn't really consider how much people struggle, but you s... |
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