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MSP_POD_NLP

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daily mail, like he dreamed of doing when he-
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was alive. i wish my dad could have been there.
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but then, i've spent my whole life wishing he'd been-
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there emotionally. he hadn't been destroyed by his-
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hip replacements, his retirement, his lack-
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of education, or mum's illness. in the end, he'd been destroyed by his lack of empathy.
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i often worry... every winter, in fact, that i've-
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inherited that. but last christmas, the love of-
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my family was all that i could've-
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i'm looking around, i knew-
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but now, every member of-
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my family was finally able to-
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give it. okay, my apologies to-
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beck hill, who is-
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the comedian and has to come on next and make you laugh-
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after that, but luckily we've got-
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[inaudible 00:03:53] with them as much as possible. i can't even... i was funding them. i was, but my finances have taken a tragic turn and i can't actually give them money anymore, but i do-but there's-
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so, i mean, in richard's performance, like you said earlier on, it was very, very-
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it was a raw performance. and one of those moments on stage where someone really properly-
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maybe cry, i think, it's standard tragedy. and i remember sort of hugging him clumsily afterwards in an attempt to try and give some-
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thing back to him because it was such an amazingly brave performance.
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she had a brilliant piece of fiction, i love that.she was very close pick for me as well.yeah.
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and larry was an old man and he was very sick, very sick.
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and i haven't heard from him. i looked before i left.
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i haven't heard from him in three years. he is probably dead.
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just because i take money for it, doesn't mean it hurts any less.
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feels like a long time, edinburgh, first edinburgh.yeah.this-
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in the middle of the run, everybody listening. that's quite hard when you're assigned a cell shows that, and if it's got a different name, the venue to the one that's on your flyers.
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[inaudible 00:05:18] doing amazing things. he sort of came as starting out people and now kind of mid-career sort of position that's doing better, yeah.
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hi, i'm louise. i'm a poet from the north of england. you can start laughing now.
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and a dad, he's a postman by day, and a bouncer by night, like mr. domestic violence i call him.
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oh, word of a lie, his show in...
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"admit it, admit it, admit it! next thing i know, this girl-
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big, tiny eyes he has to seen-
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make some money on a bit of weed. liam, you smoked all-
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me. jesus christ, why do i always attract the freaks? her, i-
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blonde, feathers, racing hearts, last flat, breath, no last rights for a pigeon.
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and she was in the first show i ever took to edinburgh.
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edinburgh, like you say, high energy. i feel like we didn't sleep at all-
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there were loads of people coming through the house. we were like a big family-
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named the dad.he was the dad.and i was nicknamed the mum because we have different parental styles and we fit sort of the different... we go against gender expectations.
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dave is very caring and worrying and wants to make sure everybody's having a good time and taken care of and taking care of themselves.and you're-
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oh, immediately after the event. it's like he wrote it that night pretty much and then performed it.
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everybody, [watsama gatzhan 00:06:52]!
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hi guys. so you guys heard about robin williams killing himself, right? that freaks me out. so i'm writing about that.
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so i didn't get much sleep. so forgive me, i'm not performing-
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this, i'm more reading it because i wrote it last night. if dream catchers worked i'd get better sleep-
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so part of this, if you guys... i moved from egypt to america-
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immigrated. and do you guys remember mork from ork?
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yeah, so that was a really important show to me. and also there was one other film that robin williams did called moscow on the hudson. and those two things really important to me-
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here it is. moving from egypt to america, from the third world to the first world, was a lot like moving to another planet.
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so it's no surprise that my first hero was an alien who seemed to be from a kinder, gentler place.
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the only other thing i had ever watched was, as much as a boy was a film called the black stallion.
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when my mom asked me why i kept watching that film so much-
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i said it was because the horse was a hero. and for once in american film, the hero was arabian.
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later in life, i heard that that short conversation had made my mom cry.
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but mork from ork was bigger than the black stallion to me. he was an alien on earth who made me feel better for being an alien in america.
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he constantly made silly mistakes, which made me feel okay about the fact that i did to.
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but i also smile when i remember that he laughed-
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so hard that he had to cup his hands over his mouth and ran away from his post and hysterics.
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his laugh pleased me a lot. he told me he never laughed that hard at work before he put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a big piece of chocolate cake.
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i still feel the touch of his hand on my shoulder and the warmth of that genuine smile on his face.
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i needed that. i needed it the way a dehydrated athlete needed water.
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it made me feel like i was funny. something unus-
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until then i'd felt like a caterpillar in a school full of butterflies. this moment was my cocoon.
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his laughter softened by embarrassment. his laughter made me laugh at me and taught me that it was okay to laugh at my mistakes because sometimes those mistakes create moments of joy.
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my thought, because sometimes in america i felt that people were mean to immigrants.
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and i feel that they didn't empathize with how difficult it was to have to move to a new country.
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i remember watching moscow on the hudson in our first apartment in america, an apartment i-
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and a flower box full of mint leaves overlooking sunset boulevard. to this day-
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every time i smell mint, i see '70s hollywood in my mind's eye.
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one early morning, that street was especially loud and filled with what looked like these giant colorful ants.
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like those colorful ants transformed into tiny people running in the la marathon.
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i'd never seen a marathon before. egypt had no room for such an event in its over-populated streets.
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as i watched, my brain began to digest-
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... this new concept, and i began to envy the people running below.
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i envied how strangers on the sidelines would help and cheer people on and hand them water and give them words of encouragement.
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they ran mile after mile towards their exhausting goals.
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and i thought, "why couldn't people be that kind to immigrants?"
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but no one offered support from my sidelines.
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my immigration marathon was filled with people yelling mean things like, "learn to speak english," or, "go back to where you came from."
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i hadn't become fully american yet and people reminded me of that daily.
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i watched moscow on the hudson that same night that i experienced the la marathon, and that's when i began to grow very fond of robin williams.
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i was very young, but i had already noticed a pattern in his characters.
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he played... the characters that he played in his prolific career-
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... all had the eyes of an outsider. every single one had the facial expression of someone who wanted to fit in with others.
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so, i didn't just like mork for mork anymore. i loved robin williams.
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robin williams did a lot of things for me that i wish my own father knew how to do. he comforted me and he made me feel less alone.
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i imagine what it would be like to have him as my father when my dad wasn't around. see, my dad was abused and that led to me being abused.
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i don't blame my dad for this anymore. i understand the dynamics of abuse now.
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i understand that the person who abused my dad was a vampire, and that that vampire had bit-
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and as hard as my dad tried not to, my dad ended up biting me. and now, i have to work really hard to not be a vampire.
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it's why i've stayed single my whole life. i'm afraid of me.
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my soul lives and is haunted, so i'm too afraid to let anyone move in.
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i'm afraid of having a kid and treating him the way my dad treated me.
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my dad died 12 years ago, but sometimes in the morning-
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... i'll make an identical expression to one he would have made. my face will become his face-
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... but just for a brief moment. and i'll quickly look away or i'll throw water on my face as if to wash it off. needing to bring the expression-
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sometimes i'll even say the words, "you're not a vampire," to the scared face in the mirror, out loud.
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so, robin williams was medicine for my fears because he was the opposite of vampire. where vampires suck the life out of people-
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