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...reminds me, of my father." right? i pimped his death for sympathy basically. right?
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which is sad, but i don't know if anyone has lost someone, right? but when you lose someone, whether you loved them, whether you hated them, when-
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...they go, that's when you realize how important they are to you. right? because, like i said, there's two types-
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to me, politics and music, i get both of those things from my dad. right? because my dad was... i get my musical-
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...genres and stuff. like one day, he'll be dancing to sly-
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...coltrane, sly and the family stone, and john coltrane. but the next day he could be crying-
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...john song. like, "son, she was-
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"...england's rose. i don't want to say goodbye." he was a weird man. right? he was just-
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...a strange man. but i get my musical taste from him completely. right? and that's one massive part of me. right? and the same as politics-
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i didn't know it when he was alive. because when you have a dad, right, they're either, you're superman, or they're a-
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...bit lame. right? there's no in-between. and my dad, to me was a bit lame, but-
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...after he died i realized my dad was a fucking hero. my dad was a fucking revolutionary-
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on this particular occasion i got excluded, after discovering lsd for the first time. and i didn't go to school for.
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...two months. lsd will do that to you by the way. i took two tabs, i was-
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i got excluded. right? i had to go to... instead of-
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...going to school, i went to work with my dad. and this couple from afghanistan came in and they were-
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...thanking my dad, a lot. like, "your dad is a hero, little man. your dad's a fucking hero." and in my little-
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...kid brain, i was thinking, no, he's not. he cries to elton-
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...john songs. he has a signed, an autographed picture of-
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...neil diamond above my baby picture. he's a weird-
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okay. right. so our next performer, she's doing a show called love is a battlefield, slash, council house poetry until the 29th of august at 215 at clark's bar-
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we ate the seagull, so horrible. so, i've got three-
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"the ferry with me, anytime, love." you're so small-
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watch me. i am wild. i'm free, like a man.
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follow me and look for yourself. follow me and be free.
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and she followed the seagull to the top of the steps. and the light from the lighthouse was a moon. she flew.
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and now, in fleetwood-
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...people say the seagulls are too big, one ate the cat food-
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...one tried to eat the rabbit from the hutch.
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these seagulls are large, and unnaturally butch-
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and so, this is about when my partner came back from afghanistan. and it's about mental health and all the cheery stuff-
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this is weather report.
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in case the nightmares fly out-
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i can't open the door.
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i can't open the door in case all the sand pours out and-
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...no one can get to work, and people sink in it, and go under.
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i can't open the door.
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ha, ha, ha, ha. it's okay, there's music in the show, you wouldn't clap then.
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sorry. it's serious. it's traumatic.
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i was saying, that there's blood in that. where?
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we're safe in this glass house.
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they ask you why you left. "because the-
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"...army sent me fucking mad. give it a fucking rest." i grab your arm. "we can't go yet."
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other things that i realized when i was in hospital, was, one-
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...no one looks like kate moss, including kate moss.
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it's all right. it was more clever than funny, that one.
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people are quiet when they're inspired-
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thanks. and three, the minimum fill line on a kettle is real.
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but it's going, laugh along there because when i get to drink more. so, yeah, that wasn't the first time that i was in hospital. i spent my '20s in a psychiatric ward.
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because that's quite a lot of fun in my '20s, and but it's okay.
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the last time i was there was that seminal moment in british history when jedward came into our lives.
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and they're fucking everywhere. they're on telly. they're in magazines and i was fucking nuts.
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and i thought that jedward was a symptom of my psychosis.
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i thought i'd made that shit up.
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right, yeah. what else was i going to say? oh, yeah. so, three things started happening as soon as i had me leg off. one, everyone told me that i could be a paralympian.
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that was too clever to laugh at, wasn't it? and two of the three, people kept ask-
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asking me if it hurt to have your leg cut off? right, so, you use-
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some of my powers of language and poetics to sum up the specific-
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pain and it's this. right, you know when you stub your toe or foot?
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the third thing that happened.
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i don't know what that meant, but it-
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it was sexy, right, yeah. for the sake of the podcast, i've just done something very sexy.
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and brave, right? so, it's patronizing, isn't it? it's sort of-
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it's this inspiration poem bullshit. and it's you're being told that you're brave, just for continuing to exist. what's the alternative? it's offensive. however-
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so, i think my position on the matter is how dare you?
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i'm going to read you a text from me mom, which is, i was going to say, it's not tragic.
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i know you have, but not you. the other one. have you fucked her? oh, is he? we should do a-
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that fist bump at the end of this.
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totally, everyone with her at dad's, we should have a little fist bump and a cry here.
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i once got a festival. i was going, what's wrong with me?
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dad? yeah, it's like that. is dad like that? fucking ridiculous. little kids, he's dead. so, he had, sorry-
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[crosstalk 00:02:58]. done that, there you go. that's one thing off the things to do list.
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sorry. so, someone asked me before on royal mile while i was licking my phone.
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it's got fucking cheese on it, you dickhead. do you think?
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and this is what my grieving mother replied.
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you know your auntie jan has got a gastric band.
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well, last week she caught a virus off the kids and got diarrhea.
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and do you know where the poo-
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right. so, i've nearly finished if anyone's worried about time. i need to wait like heidi. so, or a poo. so, oh, fuck off.
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anyway, so, yeah. so, what i thought, what am i going to do about that? either hide it away for the rest of my life because-
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it doesn't go away when you have a laugh or stick with it.
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those on the podcast, i just drew eyes at my stomach. it was motherfucking inspiring.
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i'm really witty. yeah, so what i do with my life now is-
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although i haven't quite mastered that yet. to do that works as well.
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he has to deal with this in sex. oh, just give myself away.
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you hold them up. i haven't got a prize for you, but i'll have a look on the button-
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of my bag. not you. i might have a used condom or something like that.
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someone over here.
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right, nine, eight, yes. sweet. gone, next one.
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harry potter.harry potter, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. other one, next one, next one. who the fuck's that?
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what did you say? clint eastwood, yes. it's clint eastwood from fucking [inaudible 00:05:20]. yeah, go on, next one.
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right, you carrying on. hold this.there you go.
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look, cath, while we were all guessing david bowie.
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so, yeah. oh, i know. i love you really, listeners. yeah, i love you.
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come. and so, yes, this is the end of the tragedy now. but one of the things that i would say to you is remind you that at the beginning, i was talking about how we're here as part of the pbh free fringe, which means-
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if you can put a review on the ed fringe website-
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and i am a guest host, because this is an extra special stand-up tragedy, when dave pickering takes-
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his mondays off. and he entrusts this really wonderful show into the hands of some other dubious people.
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people. at this time, it's me. and i have some absolutely tremendous guests for you. we have the-
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we have the fabulous, the fail safe, fraught with much tragedy flavor of it. we also have-
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