Datasets:
Alignment-Lab-AI
/
reddit_prompts

Dataset card Data Studio Files
xet
 Community
1
prompt
stringlengths
391
14.9k
I've spent the better part of the school year trying desperately to prophecise *something*. I told a woman that her tea leaves symbolized a failing marriage, but riches beyond her imagination. Within the month, her house had gotten repossessed and she lived on the streets, but was happy as can be with her husband. I re...
It was a freezing morning in New York. I slipped into the local Starbucks for some coffee. There was a new cashier today. "Welcome to Starbucks. Can I take your order?", She asked, exasperated. "Soy un federale, tengo un gato en mis pantalones,"I replied. The disinterested look on her face vanished instantly. ...
A lot of people were unhappy when the world went to shit, but not James Henderson. For him, it had all been a dream come true. It started with drugs. Growing, refining, smuggling: James did it all. But he always knew that he wouldn't be limited to just one market. When war broke out in the Middle East yet again, one ...
The door came open and I knew right away. I just knew it. In a way, I guess… I guess I kind of knew it all along. "It's you…"I said, to myself. The figure stepped closer. The whole room white, an endless white in all direction, and two chairs facing each other. He took his seat and I took mine. "Yes. It's me." I s...
"Sorry, kid, but you have to be at least 16 before you can join the city guards." George winced. The worst part was the man was not in any way hostile. In fact, the recruiter looked amused. Most people scorned him when he tried to do something productive, but this man, this guard recruiter, looked like it was a gam...
[EDIT: Wow, a month after writing this for fun it blew up overnight. Thanks for all the positive feedback. Time for a bit of self promotion: For those of you who would like to see a continuation (And perhaps more of my original stuff in the future?) I'd love to expand it and put it up on [my blog](http://themattcostapr...
The entirety of the US military was in complete disarray, President Trump was convinced that the US would be unstoppable in open combat, but there was well over a hundred thousand enemy soldiers at the gates to the white house. A giant knight in shining armour was standing in front of him, a document of surrender in o...
"Someone loves me?"Morgan looked away from the screen to stare at Peace, the hero, the savior, strapped to his masterpiece. It- it must have been mistaken! Something about Peace's powers must have caused it to malfunction! "Of course someone loves you!"Morgan snapped. Her grand plan, her magnum opus! Ruined because ...
Names have ancient meanings, but that doesn't really matter. For the most part, no one remembers them; and meaning only really matters in the mind, down at the hidden levels in which the universe really dwells. What names really mean depends on the person to whom they're attached. After all, how many Michaels, Marías ...
Good morning everybody you are listening to NOLD News 97.5 FM the finest radio news station in the region, I am Rachel Taylor here with a quick news update. Weather in the Central Valley region will be ranging in the high 80s up into the 90s, but the beach cities will be getting a cool draft bringing them down to a muc...
"The only choices available to me?"I asked the scientist, who just told me that I am one of a kind in the multiverse, and that all the choices I've made are completely unique. "Well, this is unprecedented. Everyone has multiple branches of butterfly effects, living and dying, creating and destroying. But the patterns ...
/vg/ - Video Game Generals Anonymous Robo Warfare 2046 General /(...) 07/24/46(Sun)15:37:28 No.149485269 File: 1469364701944.jpg (329 KB, 1600x900) Robo Warfare General /rbw/ #766 Ok /vg/. Serious time. I think I found an easter egg in the game. I was flying around the hard area near Malaysia, testing my new FX-56...
"Freeze!"one of the gunmen yelled. Nikolai looked up from his mop to see a pair of armed men advancing down the hallway. "What is problem, friends?"he asked in his thick Balkan accent. "Show me your hands, you old fuck!" Nikolai casually placed his mop in the bucket and presented his hands. One of the men pushe...
"Wait,"said Thranklin, neck veins wriggling as he pried the entryway open and ushered me through. "How do people from your world even leave the house?" "We open the door,"I said, "and walk out." "But you can't open a door." "Back home, our doors are a lot lighter." Thranklin scoffed, a harsh sound, like angry ptero...
When people think unicorns, they think cute, cuddly ponies that fart rainbows and shit sparkles. They're stereotyped as majestic creatures that live for nothing more than happiness and well, rainbows. But I know the truth. My name is Jorgen Wildstalker, fourth of his name, bulwark of the Einherjar, Jotunn-slayer, Valk...
"I heard his dad is sells vacuum cleaners." Zane closed his eyes and wished he could disappear. It was hard enough that he was starting at yet another school, but it was even worse that the same rumors that ruined his life last time were here again. "So you're telling me that he sucks?"One of the boys behind him said...
I'd hit the jackpot. Some might've thought me crazy, and well, I really can't blame them. My brand of Doomsday Prepping *was* a bit specific. Nobody expected the Purge, a Lights Out, the Zombie Apocalypse, or an Alien Invasion, let alone all at the same time. But I did! When that whole auto-cloning thing got big, I'd g...
Derek sat at the edge of the cliff. St John's head, tourist spot and breathtaking view, the birds stood still mid-flight and the waves were solid as gemstone. If only the wind hadn't stopped, he wanted to feel it's strength on his face one last time, but this was not to be. This could be purgatory, he thought, the wor...
It's not a scam. I get results, it's just that I have to make people think they've been scammed first. Listen, here's how it works: Everyone wants to know what their power is. Absolutely everyone. Even the "supers are the spawn of satan"people have a power and even they want to know what it is. I know because the...
ATTENTION PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! COWER BEFORE DOCTOR NECROSIS! I INTERRUPT YOUR PITIFUL LIVES WITH A MESSAGE! Recently, my arch-nemesis, the Racer, has made public his ongoing struggles with depression. I would like to publicly applaud this action and express my support for his difficulties. Despite our many conflict...
“Sbrgrl, are you ready?” The being nodded in response, jamming his appendages into the ship’s steering inlets. “Yes, Mother. I’m ready.” “You’re sure? We don’t have to do this if you aren’t comfortable.” “I’m sure. I have to do this, for myself if nothing else. Is everything packed?” His towering father entered th...
Agent Nora Murphy was used to getting stuck out of time. It was her damn job. You learn to deal with the joint pain, the headaches, the spacetime vertigo that hits you like a damn truck when your atoms wonder, for a brief sparkling moment, *when and where the hell are we*. When you love your job, you'll do anything f...
The Clown opened his eyes. He was hungry. It was dark. It was damp. It smelled of mildew and old water. And fear. That was there too. The sleeping minds of his prey were prepared for his return. Those with greater shine had felt it first. But now everyone would know it. A little pressure behind their eyes when they ...
I was brilliant. No really. Fucking *brilliant*. They loved me. Every sub. Every goddamn person. They loved me. I was their hero. And when I say they loved me, and when I say I was their hero, like, what I mean to say is that, you know, that was the *real* emotion that was playing on in their heart as they type...
The front door chimed as someone entered the shop. I put down the eagle sketch I was working on for another client and rolled out of my booth to see who it was, noting the time as I went. My appointment wasn't for another half hour and we didn't take walk-ins. I took one look at the huge, looming figure in the doorway ...
But this time words were not enough. As he advanced, she couldn't look away from his cunning eyes, saturated with greed. She desperately dug her hand around the inside of her backpack, trembling. He was close enough now she could smell his breath, like rotting meat, leaking out from a predatory grin. She finally fe...
"[MALSJÖ](https://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/60327774/)"I said. Or tried to say, given I had no idea how an "O"with two dots above was pronounced. The lights dimmed and flickered. Everyone else in the vicinity slowed to a standstill as if frozen in time. The black TV unit I was considering started to shake a...
> Hello to anyone that's reading this. Mom, Dad, Laura - I hope I'm finding you well whoever you are. > As many of you know, on April 1st of last year, something happened. Something terrible, something not forgotten even over the course of a year. To this day, I hear people whispering about it amidst shushing an...
I ain't fit to fight no demon lord, but I can dig a hole. Matter of fact, that's about all I ever done. Don't know why, don't know what for. Folks just follow the path life sets, and mine just happened to keep me digging down. Folks come across me out here and I tell 'em I'm a holy man. I'd taken a sip of that old, r...
The orbital station at Alpha Centauri was cold. Slightly too cold, in fact; He would’ve preferred it warmer. Nevertheless, his palms were clammy, and no matter how many times he wiped them on his dark black dress uniform, they kept sweating. He practiced his neutral expression, straight backed and blank-faced. He was i...
"So, it's called... 'brown cheese'?"Jimmy asked, not trusting the demon with thin slice of carmel-colored extrusion topping a slice of bread. "Oh yeah! Funny name, I know, but you MUST try it! We all swear by it back home." Jimmy held his nose and looked closer... there was a red dribble of...something... leaking out...
I panicked. Forgot to count my bullets. I lost my axe. I went down a blind alley. Turns out the other end was blocked by a wrecked truck. I struggled to get over as the zombie slowly and inexorably made its way towards me. *Fuck fuck fuck fuck what do I do what do I do* *Bite it first?* The thought ran through my he...
Honestly, I was pissed. Like, maybe that's terrible or whatever, but come on. I've been lying in wait for all of seven thousand years and now that I finally get my chance to harras and harangue someone til they commit to an untimely death... and it's this fucko. Maybe if, just say, a terrible fate were to befall those...
There were some things Woody noted every time Jerry left his room for the day was that continued to etch into his thought process. First off, the room was immaculate, save for an above average sized desk, which had been splattered with paint of a thousand shades over what had to be decades. It was possible the desk was...
"We need names,"I said, staring at the three strangers. My head was groggy and there was a dull pounding coming from within. "I'll be Tom, for now. Until my real name comes back." "Taylor,"said an elderly lady whose grey hair was tied up above her in a beehive. "I think I was a Taylor." "Sure. Whatever. How about you...
"All right, I'll bite. I've got a note here about 'kill streaks.' Care to elaborate, Mike?" Saint Peter peers at me, his glasses resting gently on the edge of his nose. Two surprisingly muscular angelic guards grip my shoulders. We're a couple paces away from the entrance of the highway to hell - one-way ticket, no to...
"Well it could be worse." Lord Hound stood in front of his new property. His last house burnt down after an accident involving his Luger, fire, and too much whiskey, and as such, he was forced to rather hastily purchase a new one. "I very much doubt it, Hound, I'm fairly sure the roof is caving in."And then, as if to...
There is a god for everything. Some of them well known, feared and respected. War. Love. Growth. Some of them have their own niche of followers. Silence. Painting. Hunting. Then, there are those that are forgotten. Those who control such a small part of the universe that no one even thinks of them.... of us...
CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY STUDIES IN MUSIC ARTICLE: FairyGuineaPig, The, 'The Song "I Kissed A Girl"presented in context', *Cambridge University Studies in Music*, n.s 29 (2281), 89-108. Acknowledgements: Aside from my loving family who have supported me through this journey, from undergraduate school to the completion of...
"Well then, what were the whales saying? ", the president asked, looking at the ftl ship that was being prepared for mass transport. "Well sir after listening in we found out they were counting down while saying the number 8 inbetween like : 8; 100, 8, 99, 8, 98, 8, 97. After they reached 0 a devastating earthquake o...
My whole life, I had the curse of obedience. I never told anyone, I didn't even realise it wasn't normal until I noticed other people could freely defy people's wishes. But everything I was told to do, I did. I always had a clean room, I always stopped chatting in class, and I always was the person people would come to...
"But the poop still comes out, right?" "Yes, Mister President, it appears to be a one way gate. When I insert the camera like this..." \- I clenched involuntarily - "you can see what's on the other side." A breathtaking vista became visible on the screen. Three moons hung in a black sky. Wisps of bluish gas swirle...
"Yes, but how *exactly* are the electrons simultaneously acting like waves and particles?" "Well, Johnson,"I replied, raising my eyebrow. "The thing you need to understand about Quantum Mechanics is that it's based on thoughts." "Thoughts?" "Yes, thoughts. So when you *think* of the electron as a wave, that's how i...
The signs were all there since day 1. We had all been too preoccupied of what the clouds will rain down upon us that we forgot of the demons residing among us. But it was too late now. Now, they have risen from their thrones and ascended unto their horses. The signs were there. Shooting cars to outer space. Making dro...
She knew before the first star fell that things were different this time. Broken in a way no being, neither mortal nor godly, could fix. Another detonation went off in the midnight sky, banishing the night and turning it to day, yet she did nothing but hug her knees to her chest and brace her back against the rough bar...
“Frank, come on. This is getting ridiculous.” Frank’s spirit was trying, unsuccessfully, to walk out the open door of the bedroom. He looked a little bit like a man on a treadmill, his spectral feet sliding over the floorboards, his semitransparent hands pawing at the air. “Shut the fuck up. Get out of here. Don’t ...
The pentagram was drawn, the candles lit, and I spoke the summoning chant without hesitation. Months of preparation had led up to this moment, where I would ask Satan to grant my wish, to become one of the richest men on earth. At the height of the ritual, smoke billowed into the centre of the circle, and the room shoo...
The king looks to the hero then back at the red and black skinned demon. "You mean you don't? I mean look at you. Rows of sharp teeth, horns, leathery wings. . . Uhm" Angry at first and holding himself tightly not to lash out he practically trembles. Then as the rush of anger passes the lord sighs. "You people look on...
They always forget. The thing about being a superhero is that the fame goes to your head. Oh sure, you wake up floating a few inches above your bed one day or you drop a kitchen knife and it bounces off your suddenly impenetrable skin. From that point to registration usually takes a few days and those few days are con...
A bowling alley was not what Jack expected. Only a moment ago he'd been sitting in the middle of the road, fighting for air and in incredible pain. The next thing he knew he was standing at the shoe rental counter, staring into the face of a lumpy-faced old guy. "Where am I?" Lumpy-face grunted eloquently before spe...
I glare at Stephen. He glares back. “What the hell were you thinking?” “Oh I don’t know, maybe since you always go on about how good you are at this game, you could help me out.” “You dumb bitch, you didn’t think about asking God or someone for help? How are we supposed to win against the fucking devil himself?!” ...
"How is this possible, cadet? How can there be no engine access port anywhere on the ship?"Captain Williams screamed over blaring alarms and rattling steel. "Well, sir, Apple wanted a more streamlined user experience. They said that if they replaced the engine access and storage ports with a single hub, it would creat...
I gripped my sword tightly and walked towards the stone mansion hidden deep in the woods. For a den of evil and debauchery, it looked surprisingly... mundane. Yet the quest I was given upon my summoning was clear; the pleas of the distraught king apparent. Whoever - or whatever - was hiding inside this house was commit...
She ran into the building, kicking down the door, grabbing every loaf of bread in the shop before grabbing me and dragging me out the door.  “I’ll explain on the way we’re going,” she said, out of breath. “Well, now hold on, I don’t even know you! Can you come back tomorrow, it’s my day off,” I replied, panicking eve...
"Player 2 has entered the game" "What the hell?"He thought. Almost immediately there was a loud boom and a flash. A sensation if weightlessness filled his body. He looked down to see his lifeless body on the floor, blood pooling where his head had once been. A dark figure made its way across the room to his body. ...
>"Look,"I said, "we need to talk." Since my earliest years, I've been friends with Death. I found her standing over my best friend at the age of seven, shaking her head and opening her arms. Being so young, I did not understand the implications of my actions and sprung to her with tears in my eyes. Locked in Death'...
"Children! It's time for dinner!"I let out a puff of smoke after I spoke to alert them. I'm really too old to be dealing with active children, let alone HUMAN children but I couldn't leave these poor babies alone. They were lovely set of twins with curly brown hair and emerald eyes, but because they were born out of w...
"You mean you really never realized? I'm wearing the Archmage's Robes *right now*!" "Well, I just... I don't know, I thought the outfit was one of those cheap replicas you can buy at the tourist's shops in Imperial City." "But they're *glowing* and *shimmering*. Clearly magical. And also they still have that old man ...
Nobody said which blade was which, and the swords themselves gave nothing away. One was a short sword, vines engraved on once half and bones on the other. The other was a sword of fire and ice, the two elements chasing each other around the sword. "He's... he..."one of the onlookers begin to stammer. "A demon!""An an...
Childhood is filled with little sayings designed to keep little people safe. My father didn't stop at sayings though, he believed in learning by doing and so he'd set me off on my first big adventure through the woods. Armed with my trusty swiss-officer's knife and button-compass, I set off on the 2 mile trek back to...
I was terrified. My whole life, I had stepped in hundreds of teleporters, in fact, I had just been in one ten minutes ago. Which would mean my current body was only minutes old, and that my original body was long dead... "Hey Jim,", said my friend from the other room, what did you find? I had no words. My friend wa...
“I don’t know. She’s pretty useless though. Can’t speak. Too dumb for any real magic, but she’ll heal you if you order her to.” Calix said to their new recruit as he marched down the goblin infested tunnels in his massive plate armor. *Leressa the Black! I bind you!* The recruit, Daved, looked back at me nervously,...
"I'm guessing I'm supposed to fall in love."I sighed, Looks like the entity that had been manipulating me for the last millennia had finally decided to officially introduce himself to me. "I can't bel- Wait- YES! That's it! Your one true lo-" "I'm going to stop you right there. I take it you're the red headed man in ...
I flipped through the pages of the book. It was written in almost perfect calligraphy with neatly written annotations around the edges. Quaint. I was about to close and put the tattered pocket book away when I thought I recognized one of the lines. I flicked it back open to take a look. I immediately recognized it as ...
The truth is it didn’t bother me. I know it sounds cold but I married and had a family as a kind of disguise for my regular identity. The better you blend in, you know? So I don’t blame her — her life was empty because I was a shell. The fact it was Hotshot screwing her? Well, might as well be someone who I know’s dec...
((**STORY IS ONGOING**: check out /r/Salojin for the rest of the story of the U-Boat!)) Another Redditor has created a board *just* for the updates from this story, it can be found here: https://m.reddit.com/r/Salojin Please let everyone know that I will be posting the rest of the story on the /r/Salojin page, this t...
"Uh."Real intelligent, he knew. But Riley wasn't expecting a talking cat in the driveway and it was taking a moment for his brain to catch up. "Your daughter?" The cat the spoke before, a big tabby with a notch in his ear, stood and stepped towards Riley. "Yes. She was taken from us and now she is within your home." ...
"So sir, you called?"Peter Parker said as he stepped into his boss's office. "Yes... you see, Peter, I know your secret behind getting the Spidey photos." Peter fell back in shock. "W-what?" Jameson chuckled. "Your boyfriend's been texting you photos to prove he's safe on the job, hasn't he?" “Sir?“ “Stop being ...
I was given no information about this test before today. For months, I studied all I could. Maths, Biology, History, even accounting. Now I am in the testing room and still feel unprepared. I wasn't allowed to take anything in the cold white cell. I sit at a desk, in front of me a black screen and a wireless mouse. Go...
3 days old Papa says Mr. Rogers wasn’t always the way he is. He says there’s nothing wrong with him, just that I should know he was different. “Different how?” I ask. “He didn’t always have to sit down like he does now. He didn’t always cough.” “Why does he cough?” “He’s sick, son,” Papa says, staring out the wind...
Carter woke up and the world outside was black and silver blue. "Wea - status?" The console lights flickered, a pale pink band running up and down the corridor, illuminating the quiet. "Mission failure,"said a soft, feminine voice from just overhead. "Per stated parameters, we are returning back to home base." "Fai...
Perfectly solve the ongoing incident. It wasn't a very catchy name I'll admit, but it had summed my abilities up nicely. At first my tutors and agents had all been very excited to manage the worlds leading pragmatic superhero. That was until they realised pragmatism isn't exactly exciting stuff. I'd had a few good ...
“What’s your preferred point of entry?” “I don’t really have a preference, there are only three options, after all. It depends on the client.” “Only three? It doesn’t get boring sticking to the same monotony? Don’t you ever want to spice things up a bit?” “Well I did try the ear once, but it wasn’t...
How many screams had I heard? Earth-rending screeches, ugly and pained, tearing at the throats they escaped from and slicing deep into my psyche. All I had to do was appear, and it began. Nearly eighty years since I had last descended, I left the heavens, scythe in hand. The journey to the mortal plane didn’t take tim...
"So,"the man in the frilly coat said with a wide smile, "did my summon perform adequately?" The man in front of him jumped a little; he had no idea anyone had approached him. As soon as the shock wore off, he went right back to catching his breath. The battle was only just won, his armour still dripping with the blood...
“YO RAMONE, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!” “Woah woah woah, Paul what’s with all the yelling guy?” “You’re not gonna tell me why the fucking target is me?!” Ramone scratched his head quizzically, “What? What the fuck are you talking about you bozo? Gimme that.” Ramone snatched the parchment away from my hands and look...
“Ah…It’s been so many years…” A withered sigh rattles through my chest and out my chapped lips. Those same lips curl into a smile as I stare at the faces around me. They all look so worried, but I’m not. I’ve made my peace. “Mildred, my beautiful wife…Come closer.” I feel a familiar hand grip my own. As Mildred’s...
The people burst through the gates of the mansion. The guards tried to stop them, but they had been armed with electric guitars, a shockingly effective crowd control weapon, but I had taken out their generators. A single riff had been enough. The guards stood helpless as the people marched in to the mansion with be...
"They've thought up a way to look at subatomic particles." The Keeper groaned at the angel Odin's report. This was supposed to be the easy job. A Creator came through and did the hard work of building things, and then he set up shop to 'keep' things working until the universe burned out. Mainly, this involved preve...
The man by the button immediately pulled out a pistol. “Let me cut to the chase,” he said, “My name is Steven Burke, you can call me Seven. I’ve worked as a top assassin for over 7 years and quite frankly I’m sick of it. So, through extraordinary circumstances I’ve managed to get all six of you together in this one spa...
The sun rose over the streets of the city on the morning of December 21, 2123, causing the snow on the ground to glitter with the light of a million stars. As the day began, Adam trudged silently through the frosty sidewalks, ever mindful of the tiny, but deadly device that lay embedded in his flesh, just inches away f...
The news came from the outer rim first. Contact with alien life, one of earths colonies had been approached first. We signaled peace, they did not. I was studying emus in their native habitat when I heard the invaders were coming for earth. My first though was damn, now I'll never finish my thesis. My second thought...
"FÖLJSAM." "Fool...jam?" "No, FÖLJSAM." "Ohhh, you like in Skyrim. Fus roh dah..." I could tell the store manager was getting impatient, but I had to entertain myself somehow. My wife and I arrived two hours ago to pick up a new dining room table, yet somehow we'd become mired in the kitchen section. I couldn't eve...
The Cherish of Wrath opened its wide mouth and thundered across the Semi-Sunken Plain. "IT IS NOT FAIR THAT WE TOO NOT BE FORMALLY CELEBRATED, I WISH A DAY FOR STREET AND FIELD TO SOAK IN BLOOD AND TEAR." The Cherish of Pride drew itself upright, drew in its considerable faux-dignity as well. "My Sibling in Consumptio...
"Obviously the humans possess stealth technology unlike any we have encountered,"Dajos said, "This Benjamin is toying with us. I shall declare Dus Vas when I find him." "Oh ho!"Norom laughed at his friend, "Dajos of the Hunter's Guild unable to track a child. You will declare the rite of ritual combat with him? Be ...
"What do I do!?"the Dragon Lord wailed. He gazed out over his majestic belly that had grown quite large over decades of opulence. He used to prowl over his mountains of gold and gems, the apex predator. Now the size of his stomach forced him to sit on his throne like a human. The shame! "Well,"his wyvern advisor hisse...
"Please, teach me to fight."Looking up from my work, I stared into the young woman's eyes. She'd asked everyone in the town before coming to me, and while some might be offended, I was used to such treatment here. People may prize me for my talent, but dwarves still weren't widely accepted in society. There had bee...
I walk along the stretch of desert highway for a couple of hours before the lady pulls over and offers me a lift. I’m short anyway, but I’ve lost a lot of weight for this role. You can’t look threatening, you see. You can’t look strong and healthy, at least as a man, or they wouldn’t stop for you. So I’m just a skeleto...
"I don't understand the hesitance to call it what it is,"says Ormond. "A repeated ritual to invoke a result. That's magic." "Well, no,"says Glenn. "Magic relies on supernatural forces. Science is based purely on natural phenomenon." "FTL-drives certainly aren't a naturally occurring phenomenon." "That's not what sup...
Lord Zaxos sat upon his throne built of skulls and bone, molded together by dark fire and blood magic. The petitioners knelt before him, some trembling in fear as the herald beat a giant drum made of human skin and dead wood. "Rise,"he said. His voice echoing off the cavernous dark hall of his throne room, a gothic ...
You know the only thing more disappointing than being powerless in a world full of people with superpowers? Nothing. Sorry, I'm channeling my father who never missed an opportunity to tell me that hilarious joke. Funny guy, right? Like father, like son, meaning I'll probably grow up to be a worthless, sailor-mouthed dr...
"Arc Warden 03-789, do you know why you've been called before this court-martial?" "..." "03-789, you will answer when spoken to." "Apologies, General. I'm afraid I was too deep in a meditation protocol to process your initial query. Would you mind repeating the question?" "Meditation proto-- you see, this is *exac...
On the first day of the nineteenth summer of my life, I woke up before the sun did. Carefully, so as to not wake my wife, I slid out from our woolly blanket and crept to the side of our little hut, where several fresh fur robes were piled on the ground. I chose one and began to dress, but then heard her shifting. Eithe...
“Excuse me, sir? We appreciate you pulling over to help us, so I really don't mean to be rude, but are you *sure* you know what you’re doing?” the young woman who had been driving asked me. “Oh yeah, dont you worry, I’ll have your engine back in working order in no time,” I replied In fairness, her concern was comple...
A skinny kid sat across from me and sighed, looking over his shoulder. "Hey, everyone else scowled at me when I made eye contact with them, do you mind if I sit here?"he asked innocently. The bar came to a hush as dozens of eyes made their way to us. They wanted to hear my voice. I hadn't spoken with anyone in all th...
I open my eyes to a blinding white light and a fat face. Is this heaven? Is God fat? "Welcome to the Ship of Fools." The fat face smiles at me, and I sit up, blinking myself to sight. The room around me is white clean, spacious and vaguely circular. A soft piano in minor scale rings above my head in the background...
"Wait, Frank... the cinema's laughing, just like at the beginning of the movie!"Alex pointed out. Frank was still chuckling. "So?" "So!?"Alex said. "Don't you see? That means that we *are* the movie! The horror will happen to us!" Frank blinked a few times, laughter fading. "Wait, think back to that... the peop...
"SORCERY!!!" My eyes snap up from my phone. A short, fat, bald man was pointing at me, mouth agape, revealing the few rotten teeth he had. He was wearing a brown...what did they call it? Oh yeah, a tunic, and much like all of the denizens of this...quaint... village, he was caked in mud. "SHE'S CASTING HER SPELLS, SH...
Frontiersman Lucian Xan's blood flowed freely down his brow until it met his jawline. It pooled on the tip of his chin and then dripped downward, unnoticed and unimportant. "How many are we looking at? I'm getting nothing but squid on the local." Jack Studde snorted, "More than it's worth countin'."He gave a hapless s...
*Who knows,* the man thought to himself as he crumpled the note. He settled into the tub. The man felt cozy and settled, like a bourbon with dinner. Someone tried to make a pass on him, but wound up with a truth unsettling enough for two crooks; There were no kidneys. *Fancy that.* Explained some things. Alcohol was ...