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Volume Three, Issue Thirty-Six, File 9 of 11
/---------------------------------------------------------------------------\
| THE MEN FROM |
| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
| MM MM O O NN N G O O |
| M M M O O N N N G GG O O |
| M M O O N NN G G O O |
| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
| |
| -*- present -*- |
| |
| +-----------------+ |
| | Real Cyberpunks | |
| +-----------------+ |
| |
| 9/24/91 |
| |
| With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have|
|a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around |
|blackening the name. In response to this we'd created this g-file so |
|everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks. Most of these |
|wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say, |
|because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to |
|them. Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file |
|describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks |
|don't get upset over something written in a g-file. |
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------/
CLOTHING
- Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo-
futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit.
- Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored
Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts,
and kilts (on formal occasions).
- Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe"
clothing section at Sears.
- Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops.
Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at
a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU.
COMPUTERS
- Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s.
- Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s.
- Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can
get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s).
- All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat,
or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup
machine.
- Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA.
- Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language.
- Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy.
- Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge.
- Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made.
CARS
- Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford.
- Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle.
- Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket
launcher targets.
- Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction
in their area.
TECH
- All real cyberpunks have their ham license.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor.
- Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local
surplus store.
- Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there
because it's convenient.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before
principle.
- Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is.
- Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at
least once.
- Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR.
Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for
free.
POLITICS & LAW
- Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in
that bullshit.
- Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians.
- Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of
Independence and The Constitution.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say.
- Real cyberpunks don't get caught.
KNOWLEDGE
- Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather
Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer
Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in
their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in
these publications.
- Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks.
- Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows.
- Real cyberpunks know how to spell.
- Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages.
WEAPONS
- Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons
that most modem users seem to have.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful
equipment.
- Real cyberpunks own at least one gun.
- Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco
blades.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but
costs too much.
- Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book.
- Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit.
- Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt
Saxon.
- Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is.
MUSIC
- Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can.
- Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the-
closet homosexuals.
- Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul.
- Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a
reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles.
- Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks.
- Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The
Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc.
- In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want.
PHREAKING & HACKING
- Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because
they put pragmatism before principle.
- Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means.
- Real cyberpunks use data-taps.
- Real cyberpunks have Internet access.
- Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house.
- Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means.
- Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an
asshole.
- Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway
Hacker are.
- Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for.
- Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and
know how to use it.
- Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21.
- Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat.
- Real cyberpunks have a payphone.
Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else.
- Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600
meeting.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600
meeting don't go to them anymore.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another
OSUNY meeting.
Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood
for.
HEALTH
- Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are.
- Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants.
- Real cyberpunks take care of themselves.
- Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get
some exercise.
FOOD & DRINK
- Real cyberpunks drink Jolt.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags.
- Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 -
Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible.
- Real cyberpunks know how to cook.
- Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout.
- Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own.
- Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost.
That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become
lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon.
Yours truly,
The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91
:OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
_______________________________________________________________________________
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